


The Lesser Evil

by tiranog



Category: due South
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-10
Updated: 2017-08-10
Packaged: 2018-12-13 17:19:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 33,987
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11764677
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tiranog/pseuds/tiranog
Summary: Ray Vecchio never did learn when to let sleeping Mounties lie.





	The Lesser Evil

**Author's Note:**

> This story was originally published in the 90s in the fanzine Thank You Kindly, under the one-time pseudonym, Katie O'Neill.

You got used to anything, given time.  Detective Ray Vecchio had learned that fact of life at a very early age. You got used to your dad using you as a punching bag when things weren't going too good.  You learned to accept that you would never be quite good enough for anyone to stick with or to truly love.  You got used to being a joke at your job.

 

That was Ray Vecchio's reality B.F. - BEFORE FRASER.  That was pretty much how he demarcated his life these days, Pre and Post Benny.  Pre-Benny bit the big one.

 

As for Post Benny?  The jury was still out on that one.

 

Some days it was as bad as the B.F. times.  Ray would find himself slugging along after his red-coated do-gooder like a reluctant squire, hurtling into death defying situations without a clue as to what was going down - because his knight in shining epaulets had blundered into the center of the action and was usually standing there with loaded automatics pointed at his haloed head.  Those days sucked, big time.

 

But, then, there were the POST BENNY days that made up for all the strife.  The days when following Fraser's bizarre schemes broke a case with spectacular results.  Or the less dramatic instances when giving somebody a helping hand resulted in more than bitten fingers. 

 

Ray was still gun shy about these hard luck cases.  His city bred instincts insisted that you couldn't possibly take on the problems of the world and win, but time and again, he'd see Fraser tackle some absolute no win scenario and turn it around, with no resources at his disposal other than optimism and a willingness to help.  Ray's worldly, rational side insisted that he was being a sap by buying into Fraser's hunt for merit badges, but...

 

Fraser fascinated him.  There was no way around it.  Exiled from his country for doing the right thing, the guy had every reason to be a bitter and hateful, expatriated misanthrope.  Ray would have understood and even forgiven his friend that.  But instead of allowing resentment and self-pity to rule his life, Benny spent his time dutifully serving his country and helping strangers. 

 

Ray had never met anyone like the man.  Though the Mountie drove him crazy sometimes, Benton Fraser was Ray Vecchio's proof positive that mankind was worth the trouble.  Ray would never admit that out loud, of course, but in his heart of hearts, he knew it - which was why he followed Fraser into these imbecilic situations.

 

Of course, Post Benny life had its own particular set of penalties to get used to.  Needing a new suit at least once a month was right up there at the top of the list, as was being made a laughing stock in front of his colleagues every time Fraser earnestly explained the details of their latest hare-brained case to Welsh.  He'd gotten used to white wolf hairs perpetually covering his Riv's irreplaceable leather upholstery and his food disappearing if he didn't guard it.  He'd learned to act like nothing bizarre was going on when his human companion got down on all fours and sniffed the pavement while Ray and the wolf bemusedly looked on; he was used to stopping his fast-moving car on a dime so that super-Mountie could go haring out the door to stop marauding litterbugs.  He'd even grown accustomed to every lowlife on Racine knowing his name and treating him like their best buddy.

 

Of course, it wasn't all like that.  There were good things that balanced out the scale.  Meeting his own eye in the mirror and liking the man he saw there, that was a novelty Ray was still struggling to take in stride.  Being around someone who treated him with respect, someone who acted like Ray Vecchio mattered, that was another biggie. Over the past twenty-four months, Ray had grown accustomed to bright, cheerful greetings when he picked Benny up at the crack of dawn to drive him to work.  He'd become inured to dealing with perpetual optimism and Victorian manners, used to being shamelessly manipulated into doing the right thing by big Mountie eyes.

 

What's more, on some level, Ray had even come to like it.  Fraser might be a real trip, but dealing with someone who was gentle and polite to all living things sure beat the hell out of the usual urban apathy and crudity.  Though, that was another thing he'd die before admitting.

 

In some ways, adjusting to Fraser's influence on his life had been as big of a culture shock to the disillusioned cop as Chicago had been to Benny.  But the two of them had gotten through it together, somehow.

 

After nearly two years of constant exposure, they were comfortable with each other's foibles.  They didn't simply accept one another's strangeness in stride these days, those differences had become marked constants in each other's lives, familiar and comforting as a pair of old, broken-in slippers.

 

And as happened when those metaphorical slippers developed an unexpected, bothersome lump in the lining, Ray noticed immediately when Fraser's strangeness began to mutate.

 

No one else seemed aware of the change, for all of Fraser's characteristic outer trappings were still in place.  Benny was still polite, still helped little old ladies across the street.  The Mountie was as punctual, squeaky clean, and willing to offer his assistance as ever.  And yet, Ray knew something was different.  There was an edge to it all that had never been there before, a sense of trying for things that had once come naturally.  Benny's perpetual cheer almost seemed forced these days, his optimistic councils more like rules he'd memorized by route than the heartfelt truths he'd once voiced.

 

The more he thought about it, the more it seemed to Ray like what was happening was a whittling away or dimming of Benny's usual radiance.  With anyone else, Ray might have said that his friend was depressed, but Fraser never allowed himself to wallow in emotion that way.  Hell, the Mountie was barely able to admit he had feelings at all.  No way would Fraser let emotions dominate his life.  But still, something wasn't right.

 

The Friday night after he'd first detected the problem, Ray picked Benny up from the Consulate right after work, same as usual.  He'd been hoping that whatever was troubling Fraser would have blown over by now, but no such luck.

 

It was early November.  A month ago, it would have been broad daylight at six p.m., but now the street was cloaked in shadows, dark as midnight.  It was eerie how fast the change had come.  Seemingly without transition, they'd gone from warm summer nights with soft breezes playing through the maple leaves to chill autumn, with the Witch of November shrieking down off the lake and rattling bare oak limbs.

 

Just looking at Benny standing his sentry duty on that deserted, gale-swept street sent an empathic shiver through Ray.  It was cold as hell out there.  He knew his friend came from the far North and was less sensitive to lower temperatures than he, but anybody would get chilled while standing still as a statue in a freezing doorway. 

 

This wasn't the first time that Ray found himself cursing the obsolete tradition that left his partner stiff and miserable at the end of his watch.

 

Not that Fraser ever let his discomfort show, of course.  Ray would detect it the way he always did, in his buddy's slower, more careful movements during those first few minutes after Fraser left his post, when the Mountie's blood was starting to circulate again.

 

As usual, the clock tower across the street tolled the hour fifteen seconds before Ray's watch did.  The transformation that overcame the picturesque organic statue adorning the Consulate's steps at the first toll of the bell was dramatic.

 

The living mannequin in the bright red doorman's tunic started to life and hurried down the stairs.

 

Simultaneously, the white clump that looked like a pile of fallen snow beneath a nearby bench uncurled and stretched out into a majestic Arctic wolf. 

 

Diefenbaker was up against the car door, his paws scrabbling against the window before the slower moving Fraser had even reached the curb.

 

Ray leaned over to open the passenger door.  He didn't even bat an eyelash as the wolf bounded into the Riv and jumped over him to claim the back seat.

 

"Good evening, Ray," Fraser greeted.  A chill blast of autumn air filled the Riv as his partner settled into his seat.  A second later, the Stetson was placed in its customary spot on the dash.

 

Ray did a quick, surreptitious scan of his friend. Fraser's cheeks were flushed from the cold, visibly windburned.  His hands were also bright red.  In fact, it was hard to tell where the red tunic sleeves sticking out from the bottom of Fraser's navy blue uniform jacket arms ended and his flesh began.

 

"How you doing, Benny?" Ray asked softly, uncaring what his eyes might be giving away.  Someone had to worry about lunatic Mounties.  It was just his lot in life to be that someone.

 

"I am well, Ray.  And yourself?  How was your day?" Those blue eyes settled upon him, clear and inquisitive, genuinely interested in Ray's answer.  Benny's entire being almost seemed focused on him at that moment.

 

"Ah, you know, the usual petty larceny and mayhem.  Actually, I spent most of the day preparing my testimony for the Corlea trial next week."

 

"With States Attorney St. Laurant?"

 

"Yeah," Ray grinned, wanting to remove the dour cast from the Mountie's cold-reddened brow, "I think she's starting to warm up to me."

 

"She'd like to see you incarcerated, Ray," Fraser blandly offered.

 

"Well, yeah, she probably would.  But I think that under it, she likes me." 

 

"If you say so," Fraser nodded his head, politely dropping the subject.

 

Another glance Benny's way as they rounded a corner to the right, and Ray knew that he'd said something wrong.  It was nothing overt, but Fraser had that closed in look to him again, almost as if an invisible force field had just snapped up between them.

 

What he'd done wrong, Ray hadn't a clue.  For the last week or so he'd been floundering like this, reacting to nuances.  The tirades in the Vecchio household might be harder on the ears and blood pressure, but at least Ray always knew what was going down there.  With Benny, it was like blundering through the wilderness in the dark, never knowing which step would be harmless and which would plunge you off a cliff.

 

"You got plans tonight, Benny?" Ray asked, although he already knew the answer.  Fraser was the only guy he knew who never had plans on a Friday night.

 

"No, Ray."

 

"Wanna grab something to eat?"

 

It took Benny a long time to make what should have been an instantaneous decision.  After a prolonged pause Fraser softly agreed, "That would be good, Ray."

 

"Chinese?  Italian?  Americana?"

 

"Whatever you'd like will be fine," Fraser assured.

 

"How 'bout Sidetracks?" Ray suggested.  "They've got a bit of everything."

 

"All right," Fraser's reply wasn't precisely glum, but it lacked his usual enthusiasm.

 

Ray was really worried by the apathy.  Good food was a passion they both shared.  Benny might be politer in his table manners, but he could hold his own at a Vecchio family dinner, going plate for plate with Tony.  When his partner couldn't work up any interest at the prospect of food, something was definitely wrong. 

 

As Ray guided his sleek emerald Riv towards the restaurant, he casually asked, "The Dragon Lady giving you a hard time again, Benny?"

 

"No.  Inspector Thatcher has been quite amenable of late."

 

"Amenable as a black widow before she makes her kill," Ray mumbled beneath his breath. But he'd forgotten how sensitive the Mountie's ears were. 

 

Fraser replied with that annoying teacher tone Sister Agatha had used in the third grade, "Really, Ray.  You must try to be more tolerant where the Inspector is concerned."

 

"Why?" Ray questioned, genuinely interested in what he considered Fraser's saintly acceptance of that bitch's constant ill treatment.

 

"Why - what?" Fraser blankly repeated.

 

"Why should I try to think or act more kindly towards the Ice Queen?  She's had it in for you since the day she got here.  She gives you all the dirty jobs and belittles you at every opportunity.  If I could swing it, I'd have her deported."

 

"Ray, it is often difficult for a new officer to establish authority in a new assignment.  Unfortunately, female officers experience even greater difficulty –"

 

"Benny, you're not that kinda guy," Ray protested.

 

"What kind of guy, Ray?"

 

"The kind who gives someone trouble because of their gender.  Hell, a penguin could be sitting behind that desk and you'd still salute it if it out-ranked you."

 

"That's just silly, Ray," Fraser denied with a little of his old self showing through.

 

"You telling me it's not true?"  Ray glanced over, almost grinning as his partner tried to deny the ridiculous accusation.

 

After a moment, Fraser gave up and shrugged, "Well, I suppose if I were truly out-ranked by a penguin, then duty would demand that I pay it it's proper due."

 

"There, you have it," Ray grinned as he employed a Fraserism.  It was amazing how happy the slight smile that earned him made him feel.  Ray hadn't realized how heavily the depressed Mountie was weighing on his conscience, as though it were somehow his personal fault that Fraser was beginning to be worn down by the grind of Chicago living.

 

If that was even what the problem was.  Ray was working in the dark here.

 

Conversation temporarily halted as they pulled into Sidetrack's lot and Ray had to wait for his partner to explain to his deaf wolf why it was necessary for the damn dog to wait in the car.

 

Such was his life Post Benny.

 

Finally, the wolf was convinced to stay and they were on their way.

 

Sidetracks was a bit trendy for Ray's tastes, with its piano bar and hanging ferns.  The only unique aspect to the place was the railroad paraphernalia decorating the walls, but even that was almost predictable these days in the wake of the T.G.I.F. and BENNIGANS chains with their folksy artifacts that catered to this same yuppie crowd.  But the food was fabulous, and that was all that counted.  They were lucky and got a table right away.

 

"I think this is where we sat last time," Ray commented as he glanced up from the menu, staring up through the dim lighting at an authentic-looking rusty switch light.

 

"Yes, the pattern of oxidation on that switch light that resembles Prince Edward Sound is terribly familiar," Fraser replied, gesturing towards the rusty relic up above their booth.

 

Only his partner would have such a bizarro reference, Ray thought with an affectionate shake of his head.  Rust that looked like Prince Edward Sound.  Even without trying, Fraser entertained him.

 

He smiled as he watched Benny reverently place his Stetson on the bench seat beside him.  Everything Fraser did was so careful and...responsible.  It was cute, but, just once, Ray would like to see his friend cut loose and have fun.

 

The candle light flickered over his companion’s perfect, chiseled features, adding a golden glow to Fraser’s flawless skin that would have driven Ray's little sister insane.  Ray amused himself by watching his own reflection flicker in and out of the black mirrors of Benny's pupils. Whenever the tiny Rays disappeared from Fraser's gaze, miniature flames would take their place as the Mountie's eyes bounced the table's single candle flame's reflection back at him.  Of course, Fraser's eyes often seemed to shine with a light all their own, so maybe it wasn't the candle at all, Ray ruminated.

 

While they were waiting for their busy waitress to notice them and take their orders, a slender black man in a slick tuxedo sat down in front of the piano and started playing.  Ray sighed as a syrupy sonata drifted across the restaurant.  Just what they needed.

 

His displeasure with the romantic overtures increased as the young couple sitting in the opposite booth slid together and started to kiss.  They looked like they needed a hotel room more than a meal at the moment, Ray noted.

 

Ray almost groaned as the action heated up.  It had been way too long for him.  The last thing he needed was a ringside seat to someone else getting lucky.

 

"Geez, I totally forgot tonight was Friday.  We should've gone to the Chinese place across from you."

 

Fraser, who appeared to be a million miles away while staring directly at him, started, "What did you say, Ray?"

 

Ray repeated his wish to have gone elsewhere.

 

"Why, Ray?  I thought you liked the variety Sidetracks’ menu has to offer."

 

"I do, only...I hate eating alone with the Friday night date crowd," he complained.

 

"But you're not alone, Ray," Fraser pointed out.

 

"Yeah, but I'm not exactly like that, either.  Am I?" Ray groused, feeling especially unpopular in the presence of such raging hormones.  He couldn't remember ever dating a woman who wanted him all over her in a public place the way that good looking Wall Street type at the next table was putting the moves on his date.

 

Fraser glanced over at the table Ray gestured towards, then quickly averted his eyes from the necking couple.  "Yes, it can be quite..."

 

Ray took mercy on his blushing friend.  "Yeah, it can at that."  he sighed and confided, "It's just that sometimes I hate...being so obviously, terminally unattached.  Whenever I end up in a place like this, I always feel like the happy couples are all staring at me, thinking what an incredible loser."

 

"You're not a loser, Ray," Fraser quickly protested.

 

"Yeah, right."

 

"Ray, seriously, no one in this establishment could possibly know that you are unattached at the moment."

 

Ray felt a burst of gratitude at Benny's adding that ‘at the moment’ bit.  It made it sound like the current pathetic state of his love life was an unusual dry spell, instead of par for the course.  But Benny's graciousness didn't change reality any.  So, Ray stuck to the real world and challenged, "No?  They've got eyes, don't they?"

 

"And if they use their eyes, they will see you sitting here with a dinner companion, the same as they."

 

"You're missing the point, Benny," Ray sighed again. "We're two buddies out for a meal; we're not...like that." He waved a hand at the oblivious occupants of the neighboring table.

 

"Perhaps," Fraser conceded, "but ‘they’ don't know that."

 

"Huh?" Ray actually blinked at the calm assertion.  Fraser couldn't be saying what he thought he was.  Mounties didn't think that way, did they?

 

"Most couples do not engage in such...public spectacles, Ray.  From the outside, it is hard to judge the nature of a relationship.  Only those inside it know what is and what isn't true." Benny offered.

 

Like everyone thinking he was out with his boyfriend was really going to make him feel better, Ray grimly thought.  But Fraser meant well, even if he was completely deluded.

 

"Believe me, Benny, they know," Ray softly refuted.

 

"How could they possibly know such a thing?"

 

"Lots of ways," Ray evaded, hoping that Benny would just drop the issue. 

 

He should have known better.  Fraser never got these social nuances.  Ray always had to spell everything out for his sheltered partner.

 

"Such as?"

 

"Well, first off, there's no heat here.  We don't watch each other with intent the way most of these other couples are doin'," Ray patiently explained.

 

"Watch each other with intent?" Fraser echoed, his confusion obvious.

 

Ray looked around the room, fixed his gaze on a young man and his date several tables over.  The sexual tension over there was combustible.  "See that blond guy over there, the one with the redhead with the big...ah, with the generous bosom," he belatedly edited his language to suit his refined partner's sensibilities.  "See the way he's staring at her with his complete attention?"

 

"Yes, Ray, I do, but it's only polite to concentrate on one's dinner companion while conversing."

 

"Yeah, but it's like there's no one else in the world for him at this moment."

 

"A gentleman always pays his full attention to his companion, Ray," Fraser protested.

 

Ray opened his mouth to make Fraser see how ridiculous he was being.  He was going to ask Benny if Fraser concentrated on his male dinner companions that way, but...Ray had only to look across the table to find Benny listening to him with that same rapt attention the blond guy was paying his Raquel Welsh clone.  But that was Benny.  He was in a league of his own.  Normal guys didn't stare at each other like that, at least, not straight ones.

 

"Well, most guys aren't gentlemen.  Ordinarily, a guy'll be trolling the crowd for a hot number while he's shooting the breeze with his buddy."

 

"Ray, if you look at those two men at the table to the left of us, you will see how incorrect such sweeping generalizations can be."

 

Ray glanced over as requested.  This time he did groan.  Leave it to his oblivious partner to pick out an obviously gay couple.

 

"Benny," Ray said in a patient undertone, "they're a couple."

 

"A couple of what, Ray?"

 

Ray gawked at the absolute, wide-eyed innocence.  Not for the first time, he thought that Fraser really needed a keeper.  No one this clueless should be walking around Chicago unprotected.

 

"No one can be this dense, Fraser," he hissed in a whisper.  "For God's sake, look at them.  Their clothes, their hair...they're a romantic couple.  The same as that blond guy and the redhead."

 

Fraser appeared to be on the verge of protesting when the heavier man at the other table reached out to squeeze his companion's hand, his smile and loving gaze definitely un-buddy-like.

 

Benny gave a startled, "Oh," before murmuring, "my mistake."  After a moment's silence, Fraser persevered with, "But, even so, Ray, other diners have no way of knowing that," he faltered momentarily, as if questioning the wisdom of what he was about to say before finishing with a nervous, "that we aren't like them."

 

"Benny, all they've gotta do is look at us to know."

 

"Ray, that comment verges on bigotry.  There is no way someone can ascertain another person's sexual orientation by looking at them, unless the person in question is making an obvious effort at telegraphing his preference."

 

Ray wondered what he'd done in a past life to deserve this. 

 

"Benny," he said softly, with hard won patience, for none of this was really Fraser's fault, "I didn't mean they could tell we were straight by looking at us.  I just meant they'd know we weren't involved that way."

 

Ray had given up hoping that there'd be an end to this discussion any time soon, so when Fraser's forehead crinkled in puzzlement and Benny's neatly trimmed thumb rose to outline his right eyebrow, he was pretty much resigned to what came next.

 

"And I still fail to understand how you can be so certain in this, Ray," Fraser stated.  It took a lot, but even Benny's patience had limits.  Ray could see that his partner was just as frustrated as he was by his companion's failure to comprehend his meaning.

 

"Oh, for...they know `cause they've got eyes.  Even if we were both...that way inclined, guys like me don't date guys like you."

 

"You find me that repulsive then?"

 

Stunned, Ray watched his partner's gaze drop to where the menu hung from his hands.  He'd never heard that quiet, wounded voice from Fraser before.  It was sort of like that offended tone Fraser had taken when Ray had said that he liked his women to be real women after they'd solved the case at St. Fortunada's, but far more hurt.

 

"Benny, it wasn't a comment on you," Ray hastily assured.  He'd spent a week in the doghouse after that St. Fortunada's debacle.  There was no way Ray was risking another sulk like that.

 

"Oh?"

 

"Look, we're both grown men, okay?  You know the score.  Like attracts like."

 

"And what is that supposed to mean?" Fraser demanded in that quiet, implacable way of his.

 

Ray couldn't tell from his partner's tight inflection if the man were insulted or upset.  Either way, Ray knew he was screwed.  "It means that if they're straight, guys like you don't marry girls like my sister and if they're gay, they don't waste their time with guys like me."

 

"I still don't know what you mean by that, Ray."

 

Ray sighed.  He'd been doing that an awful lot since Fraser came into his life.  "Fraser, don't take this wrong, please, but you're golden.  You're every woman – or gay man's – dream come true.  You've got the looks; you've got the smarts; you've got everything going for you.  The person you settle with...well, chances are they'll be just like you, bright and beautiful."

 

Neither of which Ray had ever been, as any of these other diners could see.  But he was smart enough to know the score.

 

"Let me see if I am understanding you," Fraser said softly, slowly.  "You are suggesting that because of my appearance, something that was a complete accident of genetics, that I will therefore be shallow in my choice of partners?"

 

Ray wished he'd never started this particular conversation.  He'd just known the Mountie would take this all wrong.

 

"It's not being shallow.  It's...oh, what do they call it?  Natural selection.  The strongest males of the species always get the best mates.  It's scientific fact."

 

For someone who could spout Pythagoras and Archimedes at the drop of a hat, Fraser seemed insulted by Ray's scientific arguments.

 

"Ray, although it is true that man is part of the Animal Kingdom, it is equally true that he has evolved higher brain functions.  Humans are attracted to their mates by more than simply physical superiority."

 

"Right," Ray practically laughed.

 

"Ray, there is no reason for sarcasm."

 

"No?  You show me one guy in this place who doesn't want a good-looking mate, and I'll take it back."

 

"Ray, humans are attracted –"

 

"Humans are attracted to attractive people, Benny.  That's why they call it attractive."

 

"Ray-"

 

"Look, you don't want to hear this, but it's true.  For all your highfalutin morals, you're the same as the rest of us poor saps."

 

"Of course, I am, but in what manner specifically are you referring?" Fraser questioned.

 

"When it came down to the wire, you were a sucker for a pretty face, the same as the rest of us." At Benny's continued visible confusion, Ray softly specified, "Victoria was no dog, Benny."

 

As always happened whenever that black widow's name came up, it seemed to take the wind out of Fraser's sails. 

 

Benny's face blanked of emotion.  After a silent moment, Fraser lowly offered, "True enough, but...I didn't know what she looked like until after I'd fallen in love with her, Ray."

 

"What?"  All Ray could do was stare at the preposterous statement.

 

"When I found Victoria Metcalfe eleven years ago in Fortitude Pass, there was a blizzard blowing.  We were both freezing to death, Ray.  We were wearing more clothing than most people own.  All I knew of Victoria for the two days we were stranded in that crevice were her dark eyes and her beautiful voice."

 

"But...you said that you put her fingers in your mouth..." Ray repeated something Fraser had told him late one night right after Irene Zucco had died, when they'd both been a little wistful about lost loves.

 

"She had lost her glove, Ray.  She was getting frost bite."

 

"Oh.  So, you actually fell for her – sight unseen?" Ray quizzed, unable to believe even Fraser was that pure.

 

"Yes, Ray.  When the snows stopped and we lowered our hoods and took off our scarves...the visual was most pleasing, but I would have felt the same if she'd been less blessed."

 

Ray nodded, believing it.  But only of Fraser.  "You're not like most men, Benny."

 

Fraser looked like he was about to pursue that argument, then changed his mind and continued instead with, "Perhaps, but...even if you were correct in your assumptions that mates are attracted purely by looks alone – you are a perfectly attractive man.  There's no reason why –"

 

"Benny, my mirror hasn't got any cracks in it.  I know what I look like."

 

"As do I, Ray," Fraser countered, as earnest as only a Mountie could be.

 

"Yeah, well, the female population of Chicago and every other state I've ever visited doesn't see the world through the rose-colored glasses you wear, Benny.  I wish they did. They see me as I am – a tired, balding flatfoot, who's the wrong side of thirty."

 

"Ray, you don't really believe that, do you?"

 

How Fraser could look at him and ask such an imbecilic question was beyond him.  This guy always saw truth, no matter how well it was concealed.  Why couldn't Fraser see what was sitting right in front of him then?

 

"I don't like it, but it's fact, something I just gotta live with."

 

"Ray-"

 

"Look, I haven't had a real date since that disaster with Louise St. Laurent last year.”  Ray didn’t even want to think about that debacle.  He was still trying to live down some of the emotional scars that had left behind, which, he knew, was probably why he tried so hard to win her favor, to have a second chance.  But that was neither here nor there, he thought, dismissing the dark memories and getting back on topic.  “I'd really like to buy into your rosy, everyone-is-beautiful-in-their-own-way philosophy, Benny, but it don't fly when you're working with looks like mine.  Guys with your natural resources can afford such noble sentiments.  Guys with mine live in the real world.  Unless we're rollin' in dough - which I most certainly am not – a pretty woman won't give us the time of day."

 

"Ray, you know that's not true."

 

"Do I really, Benny?" Vecchio challenged, feeling especially sorry for himself.  "You name me just one beautiful woman who's been banging my door down since I met you and I'll admit you're right."

 

"What about Special Agent Chapin?" Fraser asked softly. "You described her as exquisite.  She was highly interested in you."

 

Fraser would bring up his most painful let-down. "She felt sorry for me after running me down, Benny.  It took a while for me to figure it out, but –"

 

"That is blatantly untrue, Ray.  She –"

 

"She left me, Benny.  That's the bottom line.  As soon as the action cooled down and the reports were filed, she cleared out on the first train outta Dodge City, didn't she?"

 

"But at the time you told me that her leaving was what was right for your relationship."  Fraser looked totally mystified.

 

"What was I gonna tell you - that I didn't have what it took to keep her in town long enough for even a one-night stand?"  Ray gulped and looked down at the menu, which for some reason was strangely blurry at the moment.

 

"Ray, I think you are paying yourself a disservice here.  I am far from being an expert in such matters, but Ms. Chapin was legitimately attracted to you."

 

Taking another of those deep, Mountie-inspired sighs, Ray practically begged, "Look, can't we just drop this subject?"

 

"Ray, I can't allow you to harbor such damaging, incorrect doubts about yourself.  You –"

 

"Look, if any argument you were about to give me was true, there would be at least one person in this world interested in me at the moment.  That ain't the case, so we might as well just drop the subject.  Okay?"

 

Fraser's eyes seemed to spark with a strange fire as he asked, "And if I could tell you for a fact that there was someone interested in you that way?"

 

"Who?" Ray demanded.

 

"I'd rather not say."

 

"Fraser, you can't drop a line like that and then clam up.  If someone's interested in me, I got a right to know. Who is she?  The new redhead in reception at the Consulate?"

 

Fraser's mouth opened to reply, but before any words could emerge, a soft, feminine voice interrupted them.

 

"Hi, my name's Linda," their harassed looking waitress interrupted.  "I'll be your server tonight.  Can I take your orders?"

 

Pushing the depressing conversation out of his mind, Ray smiled up at the pretty brunette.  For a minute, she smiled back, then her gaze drifted over Fraser's way.  Her eyes widened in shock, as most women's usually did when they got a good look at the Mountie.  Ray could almost smell the pheromones flooding their booth as he abruptly became invisible.  If Ray had been on fire, she wouldn't have noticed him once she laid eyes on Fraser.

 

"Hi, there," Linda purred at Ray’s companion.  "Are you a new doorman at the hotel down the block?  I really like your uniform."

 

For once Fraser wasn't playing the wide-eyed Mountie.  Usually, Benny was oblivious to sexual overtones, but this evening, Fraser appeared totally aware of what had just happened.  Benny winced, as though he'd just gotten a paper cut. 

 

His perfect features assuming a stony mask, Fraser replied, "No, ma’am.  I'm a Constable in the Royal Canadian Mounted Police.  I believe my friend was about to place his order."

 

"Oh, yeah, right."  With barely concealed impatience, the girl turned back to Ray.  "What can I get you?"

 

Giving her up as a totally lost cause, Ray killed his smile and replied, all attitude, "I'll have the lamb, mashed potatoes and vegetable.  Large coke."

 

"Appetizer?"

 

"No, I'm good.  What about you, Benny?" Ray questioned, belatedly realizing that Fraser hadn't opened his menu at all yet.  Normally, Benny had a dozen comments to make on the cuisine while perusing the selections, but tonight he hadn't even glanced at the oversized blue plastic folder.  "You need more time?"

 

"I can come back," the girl offered, the excited glint in her eyes telling them that she'd be more than delighted to spend the entire night waiting on Fraser's pleasure.

 

"No, I'll have the same.  Thank you kindly," Fraser told her.

 

Ray started at the tone.  He hadn't heard that frosty civility since Fraser had requested that Detective Armani investigate the dead Mountie's murder before the killers left town.

 

Normally, Ray would have been watching their shapely waitress' retreat, but he'd had enough blows to his ego tonight.  Doing his best to overcome his burst of maudlin self-pity, Ray focused on his partner – and felt the worry with which he'd started the evening consume him.

 

Their talk had done nothing to improve Fraser's mood.  If anything, Benny appeared even worse off.  Fraser was pointedly not watching the action at the next table, which wasn't unusual in itself.  His friend was always prim and modest whenever blatant sexuality was flaunted before him.  But normally when they encountered such flagrant exhibitionism, Benny would concentrate his full attention on Ray and block out the embarrassing scene.  But tonight, Fraser seemed equally intent on keeping his attention off his dinner companion.

 

The few times Fraser did look directly at Ray’s face in the awkward silence that descended once they'd given their dinner orders, his gaze would flicker away, almost as though Fraser found the sight of him painful. 

 

Ray hadn't seen his partner behave this way since that dark period when Fraser had been recovering from the shooting, after Victoria.  At that time, pain and shame had kept this proud man from meeting his eye.  Ray couldn't figure out why he was getting such a reaction now.

 

The utterly insecure side of his nature suggested that maybe the perfect Mountie didn't want to be seen with him in public, now that Ray had educated his partner in his own short-comings, but common sense told him that was utterly absurd.

 

"Okay, Fraser, you gonna tell me what I did wrong or are we gonna play this game all night?"  he demanded, being careful to keep his voice down.  At home, he needed to shout to get his points across, but volume only alienated his reserved partner.

 

Fraser's eyes fixed on him for the first time since their waitress had left.  "I...I'm sorry, Ray."

 

"For?"

 

"That young woman's behavior was quite rude.  I..."

 

Startled, Ray felt his insides warm at Benny's barely concealed distress.

 

"You're not responsible for other people's bad manners, Benny.  It's not like you encourage that kinda thing.  Like I said, it's just human nature.  People like attractive people."

 

"Which you are, Ray.  I honestly don't understand..."

 

"I know you don't, Benny," Ray cut in, not wanting to go over this painful territory yet again.  "Let's just forget about it and have a nice dinner, okay?"

 

Fraser gave a reluctant nod, but Ray could tell that beneath his outer unperturbed facade, Benny was miserable.

 

The quiet that followed was thick enough to cut with a knife.

 

To Ray's relief, the couple at the next table's meals showed up, so they had to pry their mouths apart long enough to eat.  A few minutes later, their own dinners arrived.

 

"Here we go," Linda said as she placed Fraser's plate before him, after slapping Ray's down as though Ray were still impersonating Claude Rains in his see-through phase.  "You need anything at all, and I mean anything, you just give me a call," she flirted with Fraser, giving him a sultry once over.

 

Ray was almost ready to tell the woman to push off when something in his partner's face stopped him cold.  That familiar war between civility and instinct that Fraser waged each and every time some uncouth urban dweller imposed upon his good nature had been brewing in Benny's eyes since Linda had turned to him.  Normally, Fraser would murmur some polite reply just to get rid of the irritant.  But this evening, something seemed to snap behind Fraser's controlled facade.

 

His eyes and features strangely determined, Fraser gifted their waitress with a smile so bright that the poor girl almost dropped in her tracks.  With a meaningful nod in Ray's direction, the Mountie said, "Thank you kindly, ma’am, but that won't be necessary.  You see, I have all I need right here at this table."

 

Ray froze as that warm look embraced him.  It was probably just his imagination, of course, but that expression seemed the embodiment of a passionate kiss.

 

Ray felt a hot flash of something – shame, shock...he didn't know what – rush through him.

 

For once in his life, not knowing what to say or do, Ray glanced back at their waitress.  The spiteful part of himself that he struggled to keep under firm control almost whooped out loud to see Linda's pretty cheeks flush a brighter red than Benny's uniform.

 

The girl's jaw literally dropped in shock as Fraser's implications set in.  Then she appeared to get hold of herself.  Her interest in Fraser blinking off like a light, she took a deep breath, said, "Enjoy your meals," then fled their area.

 

"Well, I don't think we'll be getting any special attention now," Ray dryly commented at last, needing to say something to fill the absolute quiet.  With interest, he noted that Fraser didn't even look guilty.  Benny was sitting there tucking his napkin in the collar of his tunic to form his usual bib like nothing out of the usual had just happened.

 

"Yes, but we will be able to eat in peace for once," Fraser replied, then calmly dug into his meal.

 

Still unable to believe what he'd just witnessed, Ray softly stated, "I thought you never lied."

 

"I didn't lie, Ray," Fraser stopped chewing his lamb long enough to say.

 

"Yes, but...you just gave that girl the impression that we were...a couple."  Ray still wasn't certain how he felt about that.  Any other guy, and Ray knew that he would have been up on his feet fiercely defending his masculinity, but with Benny the implication didn't feel like an aspersion to his character.  Maybe because Ray knew his partner had done it to salvage Ray’s own dented pride.  Still, that didn't negate the fact that his cannot-tell-a-lie Mountie had just told one hell of a whopper.  "Isn't that a lie of sorts?"

 

A strange stillness claimed the sturdy form across from him.  After a prolonged pause, Fraser quietly offered, "I merely stated the truth, Ray.  I do have all I need at this table – good food and good company."

 

"But she mistakenly assumed that you were talking about sex."

 

"I said nothing about sex, Ray," Fraser answered.

 

Ray jerked a little in his chair.  He knew that bland tone.  It wasn't sarcasm, but it was damn close.  That was Benny's covering his ass voice.  The Mountie would argue the letter of the law in that tone to insist that he hadn't broken his word or failed to do his duty in a sticky situation, when all parties involved knew that Fraser had violated, if not the actual rules involved, then at least the spirit of them.  Why Benny would employ it here and now was confusing.

 

"No, of course, you didn't," Ray agreed, thinking hard as he took his first bite of the fragrant meat before him.  Despite all the strife of the conversation that had preceded it, the food was definitely worth the trouble.  His mood improved at that first, delicious mouthful.

 

They ate in silence for a few minutes.  Ray watched his partner relax by small degrees.  When Fraser no longer appeared braced for an inquisition, Ray mildly inquired, "So, are you sayin' that you didn't mean for our pretty waitress to interpret you that way?  `cause I got the strong feeling she took the meaning you intended."

 

Fraser stopped chewing and swallowed hard.

 

Direct question.  Benny couldn't wiggle out of it.

 

Ray could almost see the wheels turning in his brilliant partner's mind as Fraser searched for an acceptable answer.

 

Ray had to hand it to his friend, Fraser had integrity. 

 

When it became clear that there was no way of evading the question, Fraser released a deep breath and said, "Your instincts would be correct."

 

"That's what I thought."  Ray gave a satisfied smile.  That was really all he'd wanted to hear, that Benny could be as human and petty as the rest of mankind.

 

"My...action did not upset you?" Fraser asked, as though he'd been anticipating a Vecchio tirade of historic proportions.

 

Ray grinned and shook his head, "Nope, I knew why you did it."

 

"You did?" Fraser appeared almost stunned by his declaration.  He gazed at Ray in open shock.

 

"Yeah, sure.  You should know that I know you too well for you to try to fool me after all this time, Benny."

 

His body going strangely still, Fraser slowly lowered his utensils to his plate, staring down at his hands as he did so.  After a moment, Benny looked back up at him, his gaze troubled, maybe even bewildered.  "And my motivations did not...anger you?"

 

"Anger?  Hell, no, why would I get mad?"

 

"You have never evinced an interest in...such a course.  I assumed, wrongly, perhaps, that you were slightly disgusted by the idea – which is why I never felt it appropriate to approach you on this matter.  Forgive me for misjudging you, Ray.  I should have had more faith in you."

 

Ray knew that he had to be sporting the same puzzled look Fraser had worn a moment ago as he tried to work his way through his partner's words. 

 

Fraser's obvious, joyful response to his not being mad about Benny wanting to protect his pride was confusing as hell.  At last, he was forced to ask, "Huh?  What are you talking about, Benny?  How did you misjudge me?"

 

"Due to several statements you've made during our association, I assumed that you were the victim of certain cultural prejudices.  It was wrong of me to allow fear to overshadow my faith in you.  Will you accept my apology?"

 

Ray actually blinked at that.  How often did his friend and partner apologize to him for anything?  Or admit to being afraid?  It was more than a little unnerving.

 

"Yeah, sure, I accept it," Ray said, without a clue as to what the hell they were really talking about.  But it was like that sometimes with Fraser.  When Benny got to speaking Canadian, Ray often felt in need of a translator.

 

"Thank you." Fraser looked down at his meal again for a moment, then peeked up at Ray from under his lashes and asked almost shyly, "Would it be presumptuous of me to inquire as to whether my...motivation before pleased you?"

 

Benny always asked those hard questions.  Figuring that this guy already knew the worst about him, Ray gave a slow nod and admitted, "Yeah, I enjoyed seeing you pull the rug out from under her."

 

Impatience seemed to spark in those crystalline eyes, "No, Ray.  I meant were you pleased on a personal level?"

 

"Well, yeah, it felt good to know you cared."

 

Fraser seemed almost relieved by his response.  "I can't tell you how happy I am to hear you say that, Ray.  For weeks now, I've been struggling, trying to determine the best way to approach you on this."

 

Ray took another bite of his food, nodding while he chewed.  After a swallow and sip of coke, he replied, "Yeah, I could tell somethin' was botherin' you lately.  They've really been gettin' on your nerves, huh?"

 

Confusion touched those attentive features.  "Who have been?"

 

"The hoards of lonely Chicago women casting you as their reluctant Mr. Right."

 

"Ah, no, Ray.  As I indicated before, it was my...motivation that was troubling me."

 

"Okay, you lost me again.  Quit talkin' Canadian and try plain English.  Define motivation."

 

"Motivation is a noun, meaning the act or process of motivating or impelling-"

 

"No, Benny," Ray interrupted with a laugh, too delighted with his partner's particular brand of pedantic lunacy to even sigh.  "Define your motivation."

 

"Oh, yes, of course," Fraser took a quick, almost furtive glance around them as if to ascertain they were not being over-heard, then said in a low voice, "By motivation, I was referring to the feelings that made my statement before not subterfuge."

 

"Not subterfuge?" Ray quizzed in between bites.

 

"Yes, Ray."

 

Still not getting it, Ray cheerfully tried another line of questioning.  This kind of verbal bantering with Benny was one of his favorite parts of life.  He just never knew what was gonna come out of this guy's mouth.

 

"The feelings to which you're referring would be?" Ray asked in an almost sing-song tone.

 

"Unanticipated desire," Fraser replied matter-of-factly, taking another bite of his meal.

 

"Desire for?" Ray continued, not paying too much attention as his gaze trailed a knockout blonde in a short black skirt who was passing their table.  He'd be willing to swear her legs were twice as long as her torso, and that skirt left next to nothing to the imagination.

 

"For yourself, of course.  I can't tell you how relieved I was when you...Ray?  Ray, are you all right?"

 

Fraser pounded on his back as Ray choked on his food.

 

His eyes watering as he coughed up the potato and was once again able to breathe, Ray blinked at his partner.

 

Slowly, knowing that he must have misinterpreted something down the line here, Ray questioned as soon as he had enough air, "Did you just say ‘desire for me’?"

 

"Yes, Ray.  I thought I made that clear before..." Fraser's words faltered as he stared into Ray’s no doubt shocked eyes.  "Oh, dear..."

 

Those two words, voiced in that tone, always sent a bolt of sheer terror through Ray when Benny uttered them.  Tonight, however, they were almost anticlimactic.

 

For what seemed like forever, neither man spoke as the implications of their miscommunication settled upon them both.

 

Fraser had said ‘desire for him’.  Ray couldn't even get his mind around what Benny was telling him, it was so incredible.  His spit and polish partner, Benton Fraser, of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police, wanted to have sex with him? 

 

It was unthinkable, unbelievable, and downright earth-shattering.

 

Ray hadn't a clue as to how he was supposed to respond.  He didn't even know how he felt about the idea, it was such a non-sequitur.  If this were any other guy, the conversation – and friendship – would be finished, but...this was Benny.  He couldn't just walk away from this, as much as Ray wanted to.  He had way too much invested in this relationship.

 

So, Ray just sat there, staring at that familiar handsome face, almost terrified of a man he'd trusted like a brother for nearly three years.

 

Finally, Fraser broke the silence by tentatively asking, "Before, when you said that you knew me too well for me to hide my motivation from you, to what were you referring?"

 

Ray thanked God that one of them was calm.  Benny was pale, but he was holding it together – just.  Ray knew from the telltale sheen of sweat on his brow and nervous gulps Fraser kept taking that his partner was as upset as he was at the moment.

 

Ray tried to get enough spit to swallow, but his mouth was dryer than Death Valley.  On the second try, he managed, "I thought you were being polite, salvaging my pride.  I didn't think...God..."

 

"Ray, I realize this is a shock, but –"

 

"But – what, Fraser?  You just said you wanted me.  Mother of God, I never, I mean...I TRUSTED you.  How could you do this to me?" Ray demanded in a fierce whisper, way too conscious of his surroundings.  He was abruptly furious at this wolf in sheep's clothing.

 

"Ray, please..."

 

Laughter from a nearby table filtered over, incongruously loud and cheerful in the stress-filled silence that had descended between them.

 

Ray glanced around the crowded restaurant and determined, "We can't talk here.  You done?"

 

Fraser gave a nod, pulled off his napkin bib, wiped his lips and dropped it onto his nearly untouched plate.  Ray looked down at his own meal.  He'd eaten even less than his partner.  Not that he had any appetite left.

 

Ray pulled out his wallet, peeled off a couple of twenties and dropped them on the table.

 

"Ray, you should get your change..." Fraser began, with a worried look at the money.

 

"Come on.  We're outta here."

 

With the grim, stoic set of a man facing his execution, Fraser proceeded him to the exit.  Ray tried to keep up the self-righteous anger he'd experienced moments ago, but it was fading in the face of Benny's well-hidden fear.

 

He knew this guy so well, yet, not at all.  Ray knew that there wasn't another human being on this Earth who would have picked up on the Mountie's well-concealed apprehension.  How could he know Benny that well, and not have guessed how his partner felt about him?

 

When they reached the car door, Fraser came to attention and offered, "Dief and I can walk from here, Ray."

 

"We got things to discuss.  Get in," Ray roughly ordered, unlocking the passenger door.

 

The white wolf in the back seat shot up at their return.  Dief's intelligent brown eyes hopefully scanned both their empty hands before he emitted a small whining noise.

 

"No, I'm sorry," Fraser said softly, contritely.  "We left in a hurry.  We didn't have time to order you anything."

 

In spite of all the curves Benny had thrown him tonight, the blessed familiarity of the lunatic exchange was somehow reassuring.  Shaking his head, Ray turned away.

 

The November winds were biting at his exposed face and hands like a living thing.  Shuddering from the cold, Ray hurried to his own side of the car.  The silence inside was almost as frigid as the exterior temperature.

 

At a loss as to where to go – for Ray certainly didn't want to have this particular conversation on Fraser's home turf and it was equally impossible to bring this discussion into the over-crowded Vecchio household – Ray sat in the parking lot with the heat blasting in his frozen face, warming up the car for a minute or two. 

 

Once both he and the engine were sufficiently dethawed, Ray guided his baby out of the lot and headed for Lakeshore Drive.

 

A few torturously silent minutes later, he pulled the Riv into the deserted parking lot of one of the parks.

 

A few weeks ago, this place would have been swarming with joggers, bikers, rollerbladers and sun-worshippers.  The big blue building off to their left would have been opened, doing great business in renting bikes and selling fast food even this late in the night.

 

But now, there was no one down here.  The only occupants of the area tonight were a dozen or so hardy gulls, standing silent vigil at the water's edge, their feather's fluffed against the freezing cold.

 

Otherwise, the beach was shadowed and empty.  The only movement came from a few newspapers and McDonalds trash that the wind was tossing about, and the ever-active rush of the tide.  Even the pier was deserted, not a fisherman in sight.  This was the loneliest, most private spot Ray could think of.

 

Way off to the east, Ray could see the lakeside ferris wheel glowing in the dark like the mothership from Close Encounters.  No matter how many times Ray saw the damned thing, it still looked out of place being lit up this time of the year.

 

For what felt like forever, they just sat there, staring off at the dark, shifting waters of Lake Michigan.

 

"Would an apology be of any use?" Fraser asked softly at last.

 

"You apologizin' for feelin' that way?" Ray questioned, so hollow inside that the words seemed to echo around like dimes in an empty coke can.

 

"No.  For the distress I caused you," Benny offered in that quiet tone that hid a world of hurt.

 

"Oh."

 

"I'm sorry, Ray.  I wish I could take it back, but..."

 

Ray stared at his partner's face.  The skin seemed drawn tight over Fraser's bones, stiff with visible resolve. "Some things can't be undone, Fraser.  Once the bullet leaves the barrel, there ain't no callin' it back."

 

Those words hit his partner hard.  Fraser stiffened in the Riv's luxurious green leather passenger seat and gazed off at the water for a long time.  Finally, he asked, still staring at the black, wind-torn lake, "Are you saying that you want nothing further to do with me, Ray?"

 

Was that what he was saying – was that how he felt?

 

Ray hadn't a clue.  All he knew was that Fraser had broken something very fragile and precious inside him, something that might never heal again.

 

"I don't know," Ray admitted at last.

 

"Do you hate me, Ray?" Benny asked, after another extensive pause, almost as if it were taking Fraser that long to gather up his courage for each potentially lethal verbal gambit.

 

"No," Ray replied after searching his shattered heart.  He could hear how dead his own voice sounded.  He felt the same way inside.  The typical Vecchio response to something this explosive should have been a lot of shouting and emoting.  This numbness was eerie.

 

"May I be so bold as to inquire what you do feel towards me at this point?"

 

Ray felt those Mountie blue eyes pin him, but it was his turn to watch the lake now.  There was something reassuring about the constant flow of water in and out over the dark sand.  Even under the ferocious winds, the lake remained.

 

He'd thought of Fraser's friendship as being that kind of unshakable constant.  When his life and career had been falling apart, this man had come to him with his bright idealism and taught Ray to believe again.  And now Fraser had taken all that faith away in the space of a few minutes, turned something pure and shining into...into something twisted which Ray wanted no part of.

 

"Ray?" Fraser prodded after too long a period, almost sounding upset.

 

Yesterday, Ray would have viewed that lapse of control as a victory of sorts, but now it was almost scary, because he didn't want Fraser to lose control.  He didn't want to know what else was lurking beneath that heroic exterior.

 

"You really wanna know what I feel?" Ray swung around so suddenly that Fraser pulled back, as though anticipating a blow.

 

Reading that instinctive reaction, Ray toned it down a notch.  "I feel betrayed.  Okay?  Like you took something pure and noble and dragged it through the gutter."  Seeing how every one of his volleys hit its target, Ray reminded, "You did ask."

 

"Yes, I did," Fraser whispered.  Taking a deep breath, he carefully questioned, "Can't love be pure and noble, Ray?"

 

"This ain't love."

 

"It isn't?" Fraser questioned in that quiet, probing way of his, the tone he used when everything was falling apart and he didn't know how to stop the downward spiral.

 

"No," Ray insisted.  "It's..."

 

Words failed him.  He didn't know what it was, but it couldn't be love.

 

"Twisted, perverted, obscene?" Benny suggested, his calm so tenuous that even Ray, who wasn't looking at his partner at the moment, could tell how close Fraser was to cracking.

 

Ray tried to equate those awful words with this moral partner and just couldn’t do it.  There wasn’t anything dirty or deviant about Benny.  Weird as hell, yes, but nothing...depraved.  While it was true that Ray hadn’t seen this coming and it had consequently thrown him for a complete loop; it was equally true that he could never think of Benny like that. 

 

“No.  Don’t talk about yourself like that,” Ray said almost angrily.  As much as this weirded him out, he was unwilling to wound like that, even though he was hurting himself.

 

"Ray, I..." Fraser swallowed hard and seemed to force himself to continue, "Please believe me, I did not intend for this to happen.  It is not something I would have...it just isn't something I even considered possible..."

 

"I know you didn't plan on this, Benny," Ray slowly replied.  About to say that no one ever wanted to feel that way about him, he shut his mouth.  That might have been true this morning, but it wasn't any longer.  Someone was interested in him now.  The wrong someone, but he didn't have to rub Fraser's nose in that fact.

 

"Ray, do you...do you feel anything at all for me along those lines?" Fraser came right out and asked, heart-breakingly hopeful beneath his outer caution.  "We are so close that I'd hoped that perhaps..."

 

Dreading where this was leading, Ray interrupted, "I love you, Benny, I won't tryta deny that fact.  But...it's not that kinda love.  I love ya like a brother.  You're...you're family."

 

It ripped his heart out having to lay it on the line like that, but he definitely did not want this to progress to the point where he had to tell Fraser ‘no’.

 

To his credit, Fraser didn't pursue the issue any further.  He gave a slow nod and lowly repeated, "Like a brother."

 

"I'm sorry, Benny," Ray offered, feeling miserable inside.  If this were anything else, he might have been able to handle it, but not even for Fraser was he ready to go that route.

 

"You've nothing to be sorry for.  If you can't feel that way about me, you can't feel that way about me.  Enough said."

 

If there were two words Ray hated more in Canadian than ‘oh, dear’, they were ‘enough said.’  From what Ray had seen, his partner and other Canadians only employed those two words to close down a conversation in which they were uncomfortable.

 

That wasn't Ray's way.  It went against the outspoken American's grain to shut down meaningful discussions like that.  Lord knew, in the Vecchio home, such conversations didn't halt until the participants couldn't shout at each other anymore. 

 

But...in all honesty, what more could they say to each other?  He'd said no; there was no place else to go with this.

 

There was one thing Ray had to be sure of before they buried this topic, he realized.  "This gonna change things between us, Fraser?  `cause I sure as hell don't wanna lose my best friend over this."

 

"You still want me as your friend, after learning this?" Benny asked, his doubts obvious.

 

"I told you, you're family.  Family doesn't break up because...because of a disagreement," Ray insisted.  "We need to put this behind us.  Pretend like it never happened."

 

"I see," Fraser looked down at the hands he held clasped almost primly in his lap, then softly said, "I...I will not inflict these feelings upon you, Ray, or speak to you of them again in such an importuning manner, but...they are not going to go away.  You must understand that."

 

Ray gulped.  Not going to go away.  Always there beneath the surface.  In other words, the best relationship he'd ever had in his life had just gone to hell in a hand basket.

 

"But we won't speak of these things again?" Ray probed.

 

"I give you my solemn oath that I will never raise this subject with you again, Ray."

 

"And we'll still be friends?"

 

"That, too, will never change," Fraser softly promised, the air of regret around him nearly palpable.

 

"Good enough," Ray forced a smile, though he still felt hollowed out inside.  "Come on, I'll drive you home."

 

Fraser started in the seat beside him and reached for his Stetson on the dashboard, "No, Ray.  Dief and I will walk.  Thank you kindly all the same."

 

"Benny, don't be ridiculous.  It's freezing cold out there and it's over three miles to Racine," Ray argued, chilled by how obvious it was that Benny wanted to be gone from his company at the present moment.

 

Though, the reaction was hardly surprising, considering the circumstances.  Ray knew from past experience how bitter a pill it was to hang around once you'd been rejected.  It was no joy to him to see how deeply he'd hurt his closest friend.

 

"We could use the exercise.  Good night, Ray."

 

"Benny..." When it became clear that his partner was going to bolt from the car, he all but pleaded, "You told me this wasn't going to affect our friendship."

 

"I will do my utmost to that end.  However, right now, I...need to be on my own for a while...to establish a proper perspective and find a workable distance.  Can you understand that?"

 

Understanding only that he'd just broken his closest friend's heart, Ray nodded.  His throat was so tight with emotion that it was three swallows before he could answer, "Yeah, I understand, Benny.  And...I am sorry.  I wish...I wish things could be different."

 

Almost as if words were beyond him, Fraser gave a slow nod, then exited the car.  The wolf bounced out behind Fraser, its white tail wagging in delight at being let loose on the beach.  While the Mountie turned to walk away at stiff attention, Dief frolicked happily near the waves.  The dog's joy was a sharp contrast to its master's contained despair.

 

Feeling like the worst heel ever born, Ray watched that lonely figure make its way down the dark beach.  As Fraser's silhouette grew smaller and smaller before being enveloped entirely by the shadows, Ray couldn't help but wish that things had gone differently.

 

Hurting Fraser was the last thing he wanted to do on this Earth, but...he didn't feel those things for Benny. And it wasn't like it was something he could have faked, even if he'd wanted to – which he didn't.  Ray didn't care if others did, but he'd never had a man sexually, and never wanted to.  That would always be the bottom line.

 

They were just gonna have to learn to work around it.  They had no choice.

 

His heart aching like someone close to him had just died, Ray finally backed out of his parking space and headed home.

 

*~*~*

 

"Detective Vecchio," Lieutenant Welsh’s deep voice rumbled from behind.

 

"Yes, sir?" Ray looked up from his paperwork to see his boss paused in Welsh’s office door.  After fourteen days of diligent, if depressed, attention, Ray’s backlog was almost cleared.

 

"Any word on Frazetti?"

 

Leave it to the lieutenant to come up with the one case that he hadn't made any headway with.

 

"Ah, no, sir, not yet," Ray replied.

 

"The police commissioner would like his department to at least give the appearance of discouraging bank robbery as a career choice.  Find the man, detective.  Fast."

 

Smarting under Welsh’s polite sarcasm, Ray gave a miserable nod, "Yes, sir."

 

Not for the first time in the past two weeks, he wished that things were different with Benny.  Whenever he got road-blocked in a case like this, Ray would usually call upon the Mountie.  Even if Fraser didn't have an answer for him, Benny's unique perspective on things often gave Ray new ideas.

 

But now...there was no calling Fraser anymore, at least, not until Benny found that workable distance.

 

Two weeks, and they'd seen each other only once.  Not that that horribly uncomfortable lunch could be called seeing each other.  They'd barely been able to make small talk.  If Ray hadn't had so many relatives whose health had to be inquired after, there would have been no talk whatsoever. 

 

That lunch engagement had been the worst forty-five minutes of his less than joy-filled life.  Being that way with Benny hurt more than his divorce had.  Ray had never felt so alone in his entire life.

 

But that would change soon, Ray kept telling himself.  Benny would find that comfortable distance and everything would get back to normal.

 

Laughter from the other side of the room jarred him back to the present.  The Frazetti case.  Those leads weren't getting any hotter.

 

"Elaine?" Ray called out, picking up the safe cracker's file.

 

"Yeah?" The lovely civilian assistant called back from her computer terminal.  Even at the tail end of a shift like this, Elaine still looked fresh and cheerful, if leery of being imposed upon.

 

"Can you check the airlines for Frazetti again?"

 

"I checked this morning for you," she reminded, as eager to do his dirty work for him as Ray was himself.

 

"Well, check again.  Please, Elaine," he added as an afterthought.

 

If he'd learned one thing from his association with lunatic Mounties, it was that good manners paid off when you were attempting to cajole your coworkers into doing your legwork for you. 

 

He wandered over to her desk, on the off chance she might come up with something.

 

Like a magic formula, the please did its trick.  Mumbling under her breath about lazy detectives in a stage whisper loud enough for Welsh to hear behind his closed door, Elaine Vespres punched in the request.

 

"No go, Ray.  He's obviously bright enough not to reserve the tickets under his own name," her stunning brown eyes gazed up at him, open curiosity on her face.  "So when's Fraser coming back from vacation?  He didn't mention he was going home when he was in last week."

 

"Huh?  What are you talking about?" Ray demanded, the cold first of fear squeezing his guts.

 

Even before she answered him, he knew what she was going to say.  Apparently, a couple of thousand miles was the comfort zone Fraser needed to put between them.

 

"Working distance, my ass," Ray muttered as he glared down at Elaine's computer terminal, fury sparking through him.

 

"Fraser's scheduled to fly out on a six a.m. Air Canada flight to Ottawa tomorrow morning.  No return ticket booked as yet," Elaine reported.  "How long's he staying?"

 

"He's not goin'," Ray snapped, dropping the Frazetti file on her desk.  "Look, if Welsh asks where I am, just tell him...just tell him I'll be in early tomorrow."

 

With that, Ray grabbed his coat off the wall rack and rushed for the door.

 

He was so angry with Fraser that he didn't even notice the trip to Racine.  Ray's next conscious awareness was standing in front of apartment 3J's door in that dingy tenement hall and pounding on it like he had a search warrant in hand.

 

"Open the damn door, Fraser, now!"

 

Ray didn't even think to question whether or not his estranged partner would be in there.  It was 9:15 on a Thursday night.  Where the hell else would the Mountie be?

 

The door swung open after a moment.  Fraser stood behind it, dressed in blue jeans, a blue plaid lumberjack shirt with the red of the ever-present long johns sticking up beneath the top shirt button.  The color beneath Fraser’s eyes was almost a perfect match to his shirt.  Benny looked as though he literally hadn’t slept at all since the last time Ray had seen him.

 

"Ray," For once Benny’s face wasn't bland.  Fraser's shock at seeing him there was quite plain.

 

Without waiting for an invitation, Ray stormed past the other man.

 

Ray’s gaze scoured the austere apartment, looking for signs of tomorrow's move.  But there was no physical hint that Fraser was bugging out.  The place looked exactly the same, except that Benny's backpack was standing in the corner with its bedroll attached.

 

It was only as he took in that solitary reminder that Ray realized how unmoored Fraser had been here all along.  A backpack and his father's trunk, that was all Fraser would take with him.  The Mountie traveled light.

 

His ire fueled by that proof-positive of his imminent desertion, Ray swung around to face his partner as Fraser closed the door behind them.

 

"So, what were you gonna do, drop me a Dear John letter when you hit the Arctic Circle?  Or was I just supposed to come here one day and find strangers liven' in your apartment?" Ray demanded, not quite shouting yet, but close as made no difference.  "Is that what you call 'nothing' changin'?"

 

The white wolf in the corner, whom no one except Fraser thought of as deaf, whined at Ray's angry barrage.

 

Fraser straightened, as if he'd been struck by a physical blow.  "Ray..."

 

"Don't you Ray me!  How could you even think of just sneakin' off into the night?  Without sayin' good-bye to me...without sayin' good-bye to my family!"

 

"I...I honestly thought it was for the best, Ray," Fraser softly offered.  "Please calm down –"

 

"Calm down!" Ray shouted, advancing on his friend, so angry that he was really tempted to knock some sense into this blockhead.  "Don't you dare tell me to calm down!"

 

When confronted with a Vecchio in full eruption mode, most people with even vestigial self-preservation instincts would take a couple of steps back.  But not Fraser.  Benny just stood there and let his screaming partner crowd him.

 

It was only as he saw Fraser's already tense form straighten even more, as if bracing for an actual blow, that Ray got himself in check.  He was not his father, Ray reminded himself.  Displeasure was not going to translate into hitting.

 

Shut down by the fact that Benny had been prepared to allow him to vent his anger in that manner, Ray just stood there staring at Fraser, dragging in ragged breaths in a vain attempt to gain some perspective here.

 

But all that he knew was the fact that Benny had been running out on him.

 

"Why, Benny...why?" he asked hoarsely, barely able to get the words past his emotion-tight throat.

 

If things had been normal, Fraser would have launched into some wordy explanation that would have calmed Ray down simply through the boredom factor of so much verbiage.  But things were nowhere near normal between them.  Might never be again, Ray dismally realized as he watched Fraser swallow.

 

For the first time since entering the apartment, he really looked at Benny.  Short of locking Fraser in a room with no food or water for that time, two weeks wasn't really a long enough period for significant physical changes to have taken place.

 

And yet...Fraser did look different.  His face seemed the tiniest bit thinner.  Benny usually had a glow about him, but that, too, had been dimmed; although, that could have been a result of the current confrontation. 

 

But it was Benny's eyes that were the most altered.  The eager glimmer was gone.  Above the heavy purple rings that attested to the sleepless nights Fraser had recently endured, those eyes were flat and almost lifeless.

 

Appalled, Ray recognized that he'd managed to do what the entire RCMP had failed to accomplish in their glee to punish the whistle-blower.  He'd broken this proud man's spirit.

 

"I-I'm sorry, Ray," Fraser whispered at last.

 

"So, that's it?  An ‘I'm sorry’ and you're outta here?  You promised me I wasn't gonna lose my best friend over this," Ray reminded, feeling almost vicious as he did so.  

 

He'd never seen Benny so...physically distressed by an emotional situation.  Not even after Victoria.  Benny had moped then.  Apparently, this untenable situation hurt deeper than even Victoria's loss and betrayal.

 

"I am sorry."

 

"That ain't good enough, Fraser," he shot back, knowing he was being cruel, but he was fighting for his life here.  Things were never going to be the same.  Ever.  Ray knew if he lived to be as old as Uncle Lorenzo, he’d never find another friend like Benton Fraser. If Benny flew off on that plane tomorrow morning, he was going to take all the joy out of Ray’s life when he left.

 

“Believe me, Ray, when I say that I have tried to do as you requested, but I can’t continue this way.  I just can't," Fraser said in a soft, nearly uninflected tone.

 

"Benny, we gotta –"

 

To his shock, Fraser interrupted him, "Ray, I know I promised never to broach this topic with you again, but...you must understand something.  It is painful for me to be with you, knowing that...things can never be as I’d hoped, knowing that you know how I feel, seeing you watch every move I make with suspicion.  It....it hurts me to be with you.  Every day, every minute.  It's like a toothache eating away at my soul.  I've tried to ignore it, attempted to do as you asked and pretend, but..." Fraser's words trailed away, "I can’t.  I'm sorry.  I know that this has hurt you..."

 

"Hurt me?" Ray echoed.  He hadn't broken down and cried in an argument since he was six, but he seriously felt like bawling his eyes out now.  The implacable Mountie had made up his mind. Benny was leaving.  "You couldn't've hurt me more if you pulled my gun out and shot me through the heart with it.  Don't do this, Benny.  Please?  It – it isn't fair."

 

Those perfect white teeth captured and bit that full lower lip.  "I know it isn't fair, that none of this is your fault.  I truly regret that, Ray."

 

But he was still going; that was what it all came down to at the end.

 

Ray drew a deep breath and looked away from those imploring eyes.  There was little comfort to be had from the sight of the Spartan apartment around them.  Knowing that this could very well be the last time they stood together here like this – or stood together at all – ripped at Ray's heart.

 

He stared down at the white wolf, whose snout was pillowed on his front paws, his ears pulled down tight to his head.  Dief's wide, intelligent brown eyes were gazing up at them both as if the wolf were following every word of the conversation.  Ray had never seen the poor dog look so depressed.

 

And, somehow, that toppled the scales.

 

The wolf was miserable.  Fraser was miserable.  He was miserable.  This simply could not be allowed to go on.

 

"Okay, Fraser," Ray said, drawing himself up to his full height, aware that he was in for the fight of his life here tonight.  "You tell me what it's gonna take to square this and it's a done deal."

 

"What?"

 

"I don't want you to go.  What's it gonna take to get you to stay?" Ray demanded, his heart racing at the very idea of what he was proposing here.

 

"Ray, I have explained that...the feelings I bear for you make it impossible for me to remain here..."

 

Ray didn't want to talk about feelings.  If he was going to manage this, he was going to have to keep things at their most basic level.  So, he didn't let Benny ramble on about his feelings, interrupting with, "You're leaving because I won't have sex with you.  If I have sex with you, will you stay?"

 

"What?"  This brilliant man was rarely surprised.  Ray could tell that Benny was poleaxed by the question.

 

"You heard me."

 

"Ray, you went to great pains to explain that you couldn't love me two weeks ago –"

 

"We're not talkin' love here, Benny.  We're talkin’ sex."

 

"But you said that you didn't...want me that way..."

 

Taking pity on his partner's obvious mystification, Ray spelt the situation out in English so plain that even Fraser would understand it, "None of that's changed.  I don't want you that way."  Ray drew a deep, shaky breath before confessing, "But I don't want you to leave even more.  If sleepin' with you is what it's gonna take to keep you here, then – then I’ll choose the lesser evil."

 

Fraser's chin tilted defiantly up as what life had remained died in his eyes, "Thank you, Ray.  That is a...kind offer, but I'm afraid I must –"

 

"Don't you dare do this to me, you selfish son of a bitch!" Ray yelled before Fraser could complete his polite refusal.  "None of this is my doin'!  You told me that you can't stand to stay if you can't have me.  Well, you can have me!"

 

For all that his gaze seemed tortured beyond bearing, Fraser calmly insisted, "But you don't want..."

 

"I don't wanna lose my best friend.  That's the bottom line here.  I'll do whatever it takes to prevent that," Ray countered, his heart racing like he'd just come through a gunfight.

 

"It's...that important to you?" Fraser appeared almost stupefied by this turn of events.  Ray could clearly see that this was the last thing his partner had expected.

 

Ray pinned those uncertain, troubled blue eyes and corrected, "You're that important to me.  So what's it gonna be, Benny?  Yes?  Or no?"

 

"You are serious," Fraser sounded as though he'd just had the wind knocked out of him.

 

"Entirely."

 

Ray's breathing sped up as those laser bright eyes bored straight through him.

 

"May I inquire as to  what the terms of this...arrangement would be?"

 

The blood froze in Ray's veins.  Fraser was taking him seriously.  It was real.  This was really going to happen. "I have sex with you and you don't go."

 

He watched Benny's tongue poke around the inside of his left cheek in the gesture Fraser often employed when in deep thought or when intensely nervous.

 

Finally, Benny softly explained, almost warning, "Ray, I believe that you are operating under a...misconception here.  My...feelings for you aren't going to be appeased by a single night of physical intimacy."

 

Ray became a little colder at that, his heart and breathing kicking into overdrive.  But he should have expected it.  He licked his dry lips, almost passing out as he realized how hungrily this normally cool man was watching his tongue move. 

 

Trying to ignore that stare, he whispered, "All right."

 

"All right - what?  Are you seriously proposing to...accommodate me on demand, when you yourself feel no physical desire for me?" Fraser questioned, his voice oddly gentle.

 

"If we do it a couple-a times a week, will that be enough to get you to stay?"

 

Ray could tell that his partner was torn.  Fraser's moral side was obviously demanding that he turn down this one-sided proposal, but his long-denied human side, the side that hungered and wanted and was never appeased, couldn't just turn away from the offer.

 

Ray was almost curious to see which side would win out.  If the Mountie won, Fraser would be on a plane tomorrow.  If the man won...they'd be in that narrow bed in a matter of minutes.

 

Ray's blood ran cold at the very thought.

 

“Ray, your...offer is overwhelmingly generous...”

 

“But?” Ray prodded, his courage not up to much more of this.

 

Fraser released a slow, sibilant breath.  Seeming to force the words out, he continued, “As tempting as your proposal is, I will not be made to feel a supplicant.  I must, therefore, regretfully refuse.”

 

It took Ray’s mind a moment to decipher what Benny meant by that ‘supplicant’ line.  Recognizing what this proud man was saying, Ray felt an unexpected wave of compassion rush through him.

 

“This was my suggestion.  I give you my word that you don’t have to worry that I’m ever gonna forget that fact.  This is my idea, my choice.  Will you do it, Benny?  Will you stay?”

 

It felt like his entire life was hanging on Fraser’s reply. 

 

Part of him still unable to believe what he had proposed to keep Benny here, Ray watched the subtle play of emotion across those weary features.  He felt a lost guilty about laying all this on Benny when the guy was so obviously exhausted.  Ray had been upset himself by their estrangement, but his reaction was nothing compared to Fraser’s.  Benny looked as though he’d lost his entire world here.

 

At last, the Mountie and the man finished their moral wrestling match. 

 

Ray was braced for another round of persuasion, but Benny shocked him by giving a tight nod of assent.

 

"Agreed," Fraser whispered, looking as though he fully expected the offer to be withdrawn now that he'd surrendered to it.

 

"There are some ground rules we gotta get down first," Ray quickly insisted, knowing that his tone was betraying his nervousness, but unable to do a thing about it.  This entire idea scared the shit out of him...but not nearly as much as the alternative of watching Benny fly off into the Great White North for good did.

 

"Ground rules?" Fraser cautiously echoed.

 

Searching his inhibitions, Ray settled on the two things that skeeved him most about this set up.  "You don't fuck me and we don't kiss on the mouth."

 

“I...I’m not allowed to kiss you?” Fraser fixated on the restriction Ray had expected to have the least amount of trouble with.

 

Ray stared at his visibly disappointed partner, wavering.  He wasn’t really afraid to kiss Fraser.  Ray was simply worried that he’d have trouble keeping things straight in his mind if he gave into such purely romantic indulgences.  Perhaps he was being somewhat harsh here, but...

 

But he knew this man.  Fraser could charm the honey out of a beehive.  If he gave an inch here, Ray knew he’d find himself counting the ceiling cracks with a cock buried up his ass before the night was through and that was so not happening, not even for Benny.  So, Ray hardened his heart and insisted, “Not on the lips.  Can you live with it?”

 

“Apparently, I’ll have to,” Fraser responded, obviously not liking the idea, but not openly contesting it.  Yet.

 

“One other thing,” Ray added.

 

“Yes?”  Fraser was visibly wary now.

 

“Women.  Either of us meets a woman they’re interested, we’re free to date her as we wish.”

 

“How will that effect this...aspect of our relationship?” Fraser softly quizzed.

 

Recognizing that his friend thought he’d be cast aside at the first date, Ray did some fast thinking, then said, “Even if I’m seein’ somebody, I’ll stick to our arrangement.  A couple-a times a week, we’ll get together like this.  If things get serious with her...we’ll talk about it at that point.  Okay?”

 

Ray knew that this was far from what Fraser wanted or desired, but it was all that Ray could give. 

 

Ray half expected that Fraser would refuse the entire deal right then and there, but Benny only gave a solemn nod and answered, “Okay.”

 

“Good,” Ray nodded, trying to muster something like enthusiasm.  But all he felt was cold inside, cold...and scared.  Recalling one last formality that had to be gotten through, Ray dug his cell phone out of his coat pocket.  “Make the call.  Now.”

 

“The call?” Benny repeated, obviously confused.

 

“To Thatcher, to tell her you’re not goin’.”

 

“Oh, right.” Fraser took the phone and crossed to the other side of the room near the window.

 

Ray listened in long enough to make sure that Fraser followed through, then moved to take off his coat. 

 

He was shaking like one of those dead leaves clinging to the anemic maple tree out in Fraser’s alley as he hung his coat in the closet. 

 

When he turned back from closing the closet door, the other side of the room was silent. 

 

Fraser was just standing there, holding the Ray’s phone, watching him.

 

“No problems with the Dragon Lady?” Ray nervously questioned, feeling like he was with a complete stranger and not Benny.

 

“No, she was relieved I changed my mind.  I suppose the prospect of being left with Turnbull alone was...somewhat daunting.”

 

“No doubt,” Ray dryly agreed, then gave up on small talk and asked.  “How we gonna do this?”

 

Even from across the room, Ray heard the gulp Fraser gave. 

 

“It is normal procedure to remove one’s clothing first, isn’t it?”  Then, as if reconsidering their situation, Fraser tentatively amended his question with, “We can take off our clothing, can’t we, Ray?”

 

That tenuous inquiry telling him just how much this meant to Fraser, how willing Benny was to accede to his rules and desires, Ray nodded and softly answered, “Sure, Benny.  We can take off our clothes.”

 

The small smile that earned him nearly broke Ray’s heart, for it was quite clear that Benny was even more uncomfortable in this situation than he was. 

 

Which only made sense, Ray realized.  Ray had made it plain that he didn’t really want to do this, that he was just humoring Fraser to make him stay.  Benny had to be hating this, as much as he needed it.

 

Just how much his partner needed it, for Fraser to have pushed his self-respect aside to the degree he had to consent to this, was more than a little frightening.

 

Not wanting to dwell on anything that was going to make him more ill at ease than he already was, Ray pushed all such thoughts aside.  His mouth was too dry to speak at first, but after three tries at swallowing, Ray suggested, “Well, let’s get down to business, then, shall we?”

 

The tone was so brittle that Ray was afraid it would crack before he got all the words out.  But his voice held and Benny nodded, then there was nothing to do but start undressing.

 

“Diefenbaker, I’m afraid that I’m going to have to ask you to wait outside for a time,” Ray heard Fraser saying.

 

Ray remembered how he’d found poor Dief sitting out in the chilly hall that time Fraser had holed up in here with Victoria.  Somehow, that had made Fraser’s relationship with Metcalfe seem...sleazy.  Not wanting to be crammed into the same category as that black widow, Ray quickly called, “Don’t.  Let him stay, okay?”

 

“What?”

 

“Dief’s part of the team.  He doesn’t belong out in the hall.”

 

“But he’ll watch us if –"

 

“He’s a dog, Fraser, not a voyeur.  Leave him be.”

 

“As you wish,” Fraser conceded, before solicitously inquiring, “Do you want the lights off?”

 

Ray thought about it.  The dark was good, in that he wouldn’t have to see what he was doing.  Only...he wouldn’t be able to see, period.  Groping through this in blind terror just wasn’t appealing.   He needed to see what was happening.

 

“Nah, leave ‘em on.”

 

“All right,” Benny agreed, his squarish hands moving to unbutton his blue plaid shirt.

 

Glancing quickly away, Ray saw to his own undressing.              

 

As Ray hung his suit jacket and tie over the back of one of Fraser’s flimsy kitchen chairs, he couldn’t help but think that this entire thing might come to a grinding halt in the next few minutes.  Fantasy was all well and good, but Ray was sadly aware that his naked body was not the stuff dreams were made of.  Like he’d told Fraser at Sidetrack’s the night their world had fallen apart – attractive people liked attractive people.  When Fraser got a gander at his gawky, scrawny body, it might be the good-looking Mountie who wanted to back out of their deal.

 

Wondering if his battered ego would be able to sustain such a blow, Ray continued to disrobe.  His anxiety was increasing by the second.

 

Bracing himself, Ray lowered his last protective barrier.  He picked up the cotton boxers, feeling the warmth from his skin lingering in the soft material as he carefully folded it and placed it on top of the rest of his clothing. 

 

As he took in the neat pile on the back of the chair, Ray realized that he’d never left his clothes so neat before having sex.  Usually, they ended up flung around the room.  If nothing else, Benny was gonna be easy on his wardrobe.

 

Left with no other excuse for delaying, Ray reluctantly turned to his partner.  He’d never felt so naked or vulnerable in his life.

 

He tried to be confident, tried to act like this was no big deal, like he had sex with someone new once a week or once a month, but he’d never been that good at self-deception.  As he turned to face Benny naked, all Ray could think about were the countless women whose gazes would roam from his balding pate, then down his skinny frame, before losing complete interest.   And that was when he was fully dressed, behind the shields his baggy clothes offered him. 

 

It had been over a year since he’d stood naked before someone.

 

Ray tried to vanquish his last disastrous encounter, but the memory of Louise St. Laurant wouldn’t leave his mind.  Hell, it had even happened in this very room, that time Fraser’s Tsimshian friends had set up a sweat lodge in his living room. 

 

All Ray could see as he turned to face Benny was Louise’s barely concealed scorn when he’d disrobed.  She’d undressed and gotten in the lodge with him, but she hadn’t wanted to fool around.  She’d just pretended she was there for the sauna and split as fast as possible afterwards.  

 

The message had been plain.  His sex appeal had dropped as fast as his hair.

 

God only knew what Fraser was going to think when he saw him, all protruding bones and thick body hair.  He had hair everywhere, except where he desperately needed it the most – on the top of his head. 

 

It was ridiculous that he should be worrying like this, Ray realized.  He didn’t even want to go to bed with Benny.  If Fraser backed out, it should be viewed as a godsend, but even though Ray hadn’t wanted this union, he didn’t know if he could bear another rejection.

 

Well, it was best to get this over with fast. 

 

Ray finished turning.  He stood as straight and proud as he could manage.  Taking a deep, bracing breath, his gaze sought out his partner.

 

The air caught in his chest as he took in Fraser’s naked form.  He hadn’t been prepared for his physical reaction to Fraser’s nudity.  Hell, he hadn’t expected to have one.  Why should he?  Fraser was another guy and Ray had never found other men’s bodies particularly interesting.

 

But Fraser was...stunning.  There was no other word for it.  Benny was handsome with clothes on, but without them, he was absolutely magnificent.  Even a completely heterosexual man would be forced to acknowledge the artistic attractiveness of that strong, muscular body. 

 

The light embraced Benny, highlighting his pallor and smoothness.  The only trace of color in all that milky white skin was the dark pelt on Fraser’s head, the shadow of underarm hair peeking out from the corners of Benny’s pits, the thick patch of pubic hair at his groin, and a light scattering of hair downing Fraser’s legs.  Otherwise, he was perfect skin over perfect musculature.  Fraser’s abdominal rack made Michelangelo’s David look like a wimp.

 

Benny was aware of his observation, Ray could tell.  But the oft-times modest Mountie allowed it, almost posing for him as Fraser’s eyes did their own reconnaissance.

 

Almost against his will, Ray found his gaze moving to the area that unnerved him most, Fraser’s groin.  As he watched, that somnolent, uncircumcised penis filled with blood and twitched to life.  It bobbed up at Ray almost eagerly. 

 

Swallowing hard, Ray recognized that it was the sight of him standing here naked that had aroused his friend.  Fraser hadn’t been disappointed by the shattering of his fantasies, after all.  To the contrary, Benny obviously liked what he saw – liked it a lot, if his body’s helpless reaction was anything to go by.  Ray found himself relaxing ever so slightly.

 

It didn’t make any sense, Ray realized.  He should have been more nervous at having an erection pointed at him, but...the novelty factor of being deemed attractive, even by his male partner, after so long a dry spell was a balm to his often-bruised ego.

 

“Ray...”  The name was more of a sigh than normal voice, “May I touch you?”

 

Ray gulped, moved by the other man’s manners.  This wasn’t horrible.  This wasn’t how he’d pictured it going.  There was nothing threatening in this and nothing dirty, either.  To the contrary, Benny was such a gentleman, so reluctant to offer offense, that Ray hardly knew how to deal with him.

 

“I kinda thought that was the idea.  Come over here, Benny,” he instructed, holding out his hand.

 

Shy and hesitant, for all that Fraser had been the one who’d wanted this, his partner crossed the room.

 

Ray shivered a little as he watched Fraser’s movements play through his heavy pink balls and awakening cock.  With every step Fraser took nearer to him, that shaft seemed to get more excited.

 

Benny stopped a few inches away from him and stood there just watching his face.

 

Ray stared at those dark rings beneath his partner’s eyes, regretting the sleepless nights he’d cost his friend.  But at least some of the light had returned to Fraser’s gaze.  Despite his obvious state of near exhaustion, Benny’s eyes were alive again.

 

“Ray, may I...”

 

“Go for it, Benny,” Ray ordered, his voice thick and gruff.

 

A tentative hand reached for Ray’s cheek.

 

Ray stood very still, shivering as the Mountie’s fingertips glided over his facial features one by one.  When those fingers trailed to his neck, Ray dropped his head back and sighed, baring his throat.

 

Fraser mightn’t have had a hell of a lot of experience in the sex department, but he was a born natural.  His partner’s head lowered, his mouth seizing on Ray’s exposed throat like a ravenous vampire.

 

Ray moaned aloud at the pleasure those sweet, nibbling kisses sent coursing through him.  Almost as if they’d done this a thousand times before, Benny found each and every one of his sensitive spots and sucked them to repletion.  That tongue was almost fiendish as it played in and around Ray’s ear, convulsing him with more delight than he’d experienced in years.

 

Ray was very aware of everything about Benny:  the careful way Fraser’s hands were exploring  his thin back as Fraser sucked at his throat; the cloying, somehow sweet scent of Benny’s musk; the blazing heat pouring off the man; and, more than anything else, the iron hard cock that kept nudging Ray’s thigh every now and then. 

 

It was all too much.  The sensory feedback came in an inundating, unexpectedly arousing rush that utterly overwhelmed him.

 

As Benny’s mouth moved from his neck to his collarbone, then down to his hairy chest, Ray reached out to grab onto those sturdy shoulders – for support.  His knees had turned to rubber at the things Fraser was doing with his tongue.

 

This was so far from the horrible ordeal Ray had anticipated that he could barely credit the reality of the experience.  He’d expected to be shuddering in disgust, keeping his eyes closed to block out what was happening, but Ray couldn’t take in enough of this.  Benny was so thoughtful, so thorough...no one had ever stroked and teased and played with Ray’s body like this. 

 

Generally, Ray was the one making these kind of gestures.  With a shock, Ray realized that Fraser was doing precisely what he usually did in situations with a lover he’d had to sweet talk into the sack.  Benny was courting his acceptance, going slow, seducing every response.

 

And, Lord, what a seduction!  Ray was trembling so hard he could barely maintain his balance.  It had been too long since he’d been touched by anything but his own hand.  This tender attention was ripping his controls apart.

 

“Do you like this, Ray?” Fraser whispered right before his tongue tip poked out to rim Ray’s left nipple.

 

Ray groaned, his hands scrabbling from Fraser’s shoulders to that thick pelt of hair.  Pressing Benny’s face close to his chest, he cradled his partner’s head there. 

 

Ray’s entire face lit up in a grin as Fraser read his mind and sucked that touch-starved bud into his mouth for further stimulation.

 

“Yeah, Benny, I’m lovin’ it,” he sighed, stroking Fraser’s right cheek gently, letting Benny know how very much he appreciated everything he was doing for him.

 

Fraser spent a long time sucking on both of Ray’s nipples, nosing through his chest hair, making Ray feel like it was the most wonderful treat in the world to do this for him.

 

Kissing, nibbling, and rubbing his cheek sensually across the territory, Fraser followed the inverted arrow of body hair down Ray’s flat stomach. 

 

Ray was left a shuddering wreck in Fraser’s wake.  He’d never felt anything like this.  It was almost like Benny was dismantling his nervous system and putting it back together inch by inch.  Only Fraser was rebuilding him the way he’d been designed to be – every inch of flesh tinglingly alive, leaping with delight at every chance touch. 

 

Ray had never known his body was capable of feeling the things Fraser was arousing in him – probably because he’d never had a lover who’d taken this kind of time to explore him, he shakingly recognized.

 

His naval seemed to hold the secrets of the universe for Fraser, Benny was taking so long to investigate it.  While that wicked tongue played in and out of the narrow depression, Fraser’s fingers dropped lower, lightly skimming over Ray’s thick downed, inner thighs.

 

Instinct had him spreading his legs farther apart, but he didn’t really expect too much from his shy, reserved partner.  Benny was a Mountie.  He wouldn’t...couldn’t...

 

The thoughts broke abruptly off as Fraser once again blew his stupid preconceptions straight out of the water. 

 

Incredulous, Ray watched wide-eyed as his partner dropped to his knees between his outstretched thighs.  Benny’s hands tentatively stroked over the back of his legs, over the strong, lean hamstrings that were quivering from the strain of holding him up under all this pleasure.

 

Wherever Benny touched, he set off land mines of sensation.  The ecstatic explosions rocked Ray’s already swamped system, leaving him a sweating, panting wreck. 

 

It wasn’t supposed to be like this.  It was supposed to be disgusting and horrible, not a piece of pure heaven.

 

As his knees gave out totally, Ray clung to the kneeling Mountie for support, practically wrapping his long frame around and over Benny as Fraser finally reached the area of greatest need.

 

Ray didn’t know what to expect.  Benny had told him that he’d never been with another man before.  Surely, Fraser had to be experiencing some doubts and inhibitions. 

 

Yet, the hand that gathered Ray’s straining cock into its palm moved with open assurance, perhaps even eagerness.

 

Ray cried out at the incredible feel of that hot fist closing around him.  The pressure was perfect, just what he needed.  When Fraser’s left hand collected his heavy balls and started to manipulate them just right, Ray was sure he was going to die from the ecstasy of it. 

 

Wild spurts of delight were sparking through his loins, melting his supporting tissue.  If Benny had pulled out from under him at that point, Ray was sure his skeleton would have just liquefied and he would have oozed to the floor like a puddle of that green goop his nephews played with.

 

But Benny didn’t desert him.  To the contrary, the Mountie’s right hand encouraged him with some steady pumping.

 

Ray whimpered as the milking hand let off.  There was a pause, then hot, moist breath shivered over his heated flesh.  One ragged inhalation, two, then Ray felt his cock sucked into a living inferno of wet delight. 

 

Benny was sucking him?  Constable Benton Fraser of the Royal Canadian Mounted police was down on his knees before him, giving him head?

 

The pleasure was surreal, more than he’d ever felt, and Ray had been certain he’d had experts do this to him.

 

But none of the others had worshipped his flesh the way Benny was doing.  Benny was going at it like one of his nephews with a Good Humor popsicle, like Fraser couldn’t get enough of the taste of him. 

 

Fraser stopped sucking only long enough for his tongue to explore the length of Ray’s shaft.  The delicate play of that mischievous tip across the top of his circumcised glans was exquisite agony.  Ray threw back his head and screamed at the sensations that rocked him.

 

It wasn’t much longer after that. 

 

Benny sucked him back into his mouth again and got down to some serious fellating.  Ray’s stunned eyes watched as that dark head bobbed lovingly over his groin.

 

He felt Benny’s hands snake around behind him.  Cautiously, as if even now Fraser feared to make too forward a move, Benny’s hands cupped Ray’s flat, muscular butt cheeks.  It was the first squeeze those hands gave, when combined with the fiery suction, that sent Ray’s system exploding into overload.  His pleasure centers erupted under that joint stimulation like that Chinatown fireworks warehouse when the FBI had raided it.  Sky-burst after sky-burst of pleasure sizzled through Ray’s system, his reality exploding in a dazzling display of ecstasy.

 

His cock convulsed in a familiar squeezing.  Several years’ worth of accumulated semen geyzered forth, spraying the back of Fraser’s throat.  Benny choked at first, but then somehow managed to swallow it down.

 

Through the heavy, blanketing haze of climax, Ray was aware of Fraser’s body going strangely still under him.

 

Ray couldn’t help but wonder if he was grossing Benny out.  Maybe Fraser hadn’t been prepared to go that far.  Benny might’ve wanted this, but it was a first time for him, too.  Ray knew that his hands holding Fraser’s head in place hadn’t really given his partner much choice.  It had been swallow him down or choke on the cum.

 

Hit with an overwhelming guilt, Ray released the hold he had on those soft, thick locks.

 

But Fraser didn’t pull back.  He stayed there sucking Ray until his penis deflated.  Only when Ray was entirely spent did Benny lift his head from his service.

 

Ray stared down into that passion flushed face, not knowing what to say.

 

Then Benny gave him a tentative smile, and everything seemed to be all right.

 

He watched Fraser swallow, knew from his partner’s expression that Benny was sampling the flavor of the seed he hadn’t managed to gulp down.

 

His expression totally tentative, looking as though he expected to meet with disdain, Fraser softly inquired, “Ray, did you find that experience...adequately pleasurable?”

 

“Adequately...aw, Benny, come here you big galoot,” he gruffly responded, reaching down to haul Fraser to his feet.

 

To his shock, they both wobbled unsteadily.

 

“That was...great,” Ray assured, man enough to admit the truth, though common sense was cautioning him not to be too effusive here.  It wouldn’t be fair to give Fraser false hopes, to let his friend think that this was any more than good sex.

 

“It was?”

 

“Yeah.  Come on.  Let’s lie down before we fall down,” Ray murmured, maneuvering them both to the narrow bed they’d never made it to.                             

 

Ray settled himself flat on his back.  Fraser lay there on his side beside him in the tiny space that was left, visibly frozen with uncertainty.

 

Unable to play this scene as cold as he knew he should, Ray reached out and drew his hesitant friend down on top of him.  Ray’s heart seemed to constrict at the endearing tentativeness with which Fraser rested his cheek against his hairy chest.

 

“When my heart calms down a bit, I’ll see what I can do about evening the score,” Ray offered into the awkward silence that had fallen between them.

 

“That won’t be necessary, Ray,” Fraser replied, ridiculously formal for a man who was basically cuddling his partner.

 

“How’s that?” Ray asked.  Not quite knowing what to do with his hands, he cautiously laid them on Benny’s back.  When the world didn’t explode at that action, he began to tentatively stroke that warm, silky flesh.  Fraser felt too good for his own peace of mind.

 

“It appears that your...excitement was enough to trigger my response,” Fraser softly informed.

 

“You mean you came?” Ray questioned, unable to believe what Benny was telling him.  “Just from sucking me?”

 

Fraser gave an oddly stiff nod, his body tensing as though he expected Ray to be angered by this or to find himself the object of ridicule.

 

“Aw, Benny, you don’t fight fair,” Ray muttered, shaking his head at his partner’s obvious anxiety.  Having no clue how to handle this, Ray simply rubbed Fraser’s back a little harder.

 

“Fight fair?”

 

“It’s just an expression.  Don’t worry about it, Benny,” Ray assured.

 

“Then...you are not angered with me..?”|

 

“For getting off on touching me?” Ray asked in disbelief.  “No, I’m not mad.  Don’t worry about it.  It’s a compliment.”

 

“It is?”

 

“Yes,” Ray replied, his entire body humming with contentment after the good loving he’d just received.  He stared down at the head pillowed on his chest, breathing in the scents of his partner’s sweat and hair oils.  It was a sweet, somehow comforting smell, one Ray knew he could easily come to love.

 

Love?

 

Ray shied away from the thought, but kept up the back rub.  Touching Benny was oddly calming, like stroking a purring cat.

 

“Then, you were not disappointed by...our encounter?” Fraser tentatively questioned.  He sounded done in, but determined to get through this.

 

“No, Benny, I was far from disappointed,” Ray admitted.

 

“Then...you will not be adverse to another such encounter?”

 

Caution urged Ray to go slow here, to be careful of appearing too interested.  Yet...he could tell how important this was to Benny.  The guy had just given him the blow job of his life – and asked for absolutely nothing in return except the privilege of doing it again.  How could Ray turn away from that in good conscience?

 

So instead of playing it safe, Ray followed his instincts and gently suggested, “How ‘bout I pick you up after work tomorrow and take you out to celebrate?”

 

“Celebrate?” Benny asked in open bewilderment.

 

“I don’t know about you, Benny, but that sure as hell felt like something to celebrate.  How ‘bout it?  Wanna try it again tomorrow night?”

 

Fraser started in his arms at the suggestion.

 

Although Ray couldn’t see his partner’s face in their current position, he knew that he’d done right.

 

Benny’s voice was soft with wonder as he replied, “I’d like that, Ray, very much.  Thank you kindly.”

 

“No, Benny, thank you.  Get some sleep now.  You look like you haven’t gotten any in a week.”

 

“It has been...difficult,” Fraser confessed.

 

“I know.  That’s all over now, okay?  Are we all right with this?”

 

“Yes, Ray,” Fraser mumbled, sounding seconds from sleep.  “We are all right.  It was wonderful...”

 

Fraser’s words ended on a deep exhalation of breath, then his head seemed to grow heavier on Ray’s chest.  Ray didn’t have to look to know his friend had just fallen asleep.

 

Feeling unaccountably guilty after Fraser’s delight with what had been basically a totally one-sided encounter, Ray closed his eyes and tried to rest. 

 

Sleep was a long time coming, though.  Ray couldn’t quite shake the haunting impression that he’d gone the wrong way down a road he might never get back from.

 

*~*~*

 

It was amazing the difference twenty-four hours could make, Ray Vecchio decided as he followed his partner up the rickety staircase to Fraser's apartment.  For the first time in almost two years, he hadn't minded being out with the Friday night date crowd.  He'd been right last night when he'd said dinner would be a celebration.  Ray couldn't remember the last time he'd laughed as hard as he had at dinner tonight.

 

He stared at the broad shoulders of the man climbing the stairs in front of him.  Fraser had his navy uniform jacket on over his red tunic, those ridiculous yellow striped jodhpurs and those knee-high, laced brown leather boots.  Benny looked...the same as he always did, wholesome, neat and clean, a walking advertisement for the RCMP.  

 

So why was just watching Fraser walk up the stairs making his breathing race, Ray wondered.  Had his sexual orientation done a complete one eighty overnight?

 

The idea should have really bothered him.  There was a part of Ray that felt he should be alarmed at finding Fraser's form pleasing.  He wasn't doing this for himself.  He was doing it to keep his friend from leaving.  This should have been the portion of the night he was dreading, the part where they went upstairs and got naked together and Ray was forced to pay the price for Fraser's continued company.

 

Only, Benny hadn't made him feel like he was paying any odious price tag last night.  With all the ground rules Ray had lain down yesterday, Fraser could have made last night's encounter into something dark and sordid.  But Fraser hadn't been that petty.  Instead of making him feel like the pathetic, cheap whore their bargain could have made him out to be, Benny had made him feel cherished and loved and...desirable.

 

That incredible sex was all Ray had been able to think about all day.  He'd been living for this hour and now that it was here, Ray could hardly keep his hands to himself as they climbed those endless stairs with the white wolf dogging their footsteps.

 

"Thank you again for dinner, Ray," Fraser said as they finally got to his door.  "It was most enjoyable."

 

"Yeah, it was fun," Ray agreed, his gaze roaming that sturdy figure.  If twenty-four hours had altered Ray himself, it had done wonders for Fraser as well.  Last night's much needed sleep had removed most of the purple from beneath his partner’s eyes.  The skin there was still a little bluer than was normal for Fraser, but the heavy bags were gone.  Even more importantly, Benny had his shine back, that unmistakable glow that showed Fraser was content and enjoying life. 

 

Benny hesitated in front of the apartment door, his abruptly serious expression telling Ray that his friend had something on his mind.

 

"What's up, Benny?"

 

"I do not wish to impose upon your good will, Ray, or make too many demands on your time.  If you would prefer to postpone –"

 

His mouth running dry, Ray swallowed and shook his head.  "No, Benny.  Tonight's good for me.  How ‘bout you?  Would you prefer to get some shut eye?"

 

He watched that perfect face, trying to read behind the bland exterior to the man beneath.  Was this just good manners, or would Fraser really prefer to spend the night alone? 

 

"No, I would very much like to spend time in your company, only..."

 

"Only?" Ray gently encouraged, Fraser's tongue-tied state telling him that this was important to his partner.

 

"My conscience has been berating me all day on the basic...unfairness of our arrangement.  I should never have agreed to use you thus.   It was morally reprehensible and –"

 

"It was my idea, Benny," Ray softly reminded, reaching out to stroke Fraser's high cheekbone.  It was impossible to miss the way this cool and imperturbable man openly shivered at his touch, Fraser's eyes sinking closed in unconscious delight at whatever sensations that simple gesture inspired.  "Let me worry about what's fair and not fair to me, okay?"

 

"I do not wish to be a burden to you," Fraser whispered, his eyes slowly reopening.

 

The naked vulnerability revealed there was startling.  Ray had never had this kind of power to hurt anyone in his entire life.  Trembling himself, he took a deep breath and asked, "Did I act like you were a burden last night?"

 

"No, you were most gracious and patient with me."

 

"As you were with me.  So, let's just accept that the arrangement's working out and not worry about it, okay?"  Reading the uncertainty lingering n those crystal blue eyes, Ray quietly added, "I don't wanna have to have this conversation with you every time we do this, Benny.  I'm a consenting adult.  No one's takin' advantage of me here.  I'm here because I choose to be."

 

"Because I blackmailed you into it," Fraser countered, visibly guilt-ridden.

 

"As I recall, I made the offer.  If there's any blame to be apportioned here, it's on my shoulders, not yours.  So quit tormentin’ yourself.  I made you an offer you couldn't refuse.  If you're gonna be mad at anybody, be mad at me."

 

"I'm not angry with you, Ray," Fraser quickly denied.

 

"That's good, Benny.  So, are you gonna invite me in or are we gonna stand out here and talk about it all night?"

 

"If you are certain..."

 

Understanding what was motivating his partner, Ray realized there was only one way he was going to assure Fraser.  He took a quick glance around to ensure that the hall was empty, then pressed himself up against the proud, uncertain man beside him.  Ray made sure that his groin was pushed hard enough against Fraser's thigh for his partner to feel his arousal.

 

"I'm sure," Ray murmured, leaning in to nuzzle that elegant pale neck.  The clean, fresh scent that was Benton Fraser immediately inundated him, casting what few reservations Ray might have retained to the four winds.  "Now, are you gonna open that door or are we gonna do it here in the hallway?"

 

His eyes and cheeks bright with excitement, Fraser's hand blindly sought the doorknob.  The Mountie was actually panting as he pushed the door open behind them.

 

They didn't quite tumble into the apartment, but the look Diefenbaker cast their way indicated that their arrival had been less than dignified.  Ray tried to hold his laughter in, but the expression in the wolf's eyes spoke louder than a teacher's reprimand.  He started to chuckle.  Looking from the dog to the exited Mountie, his merriment turned into full-fledged laughter.

 

Ray was delighted to hear Benny's giggle joining his.  Fraser didn't chuckle like most guys did.  This restrained, downright remote man giggled like a school girl.  It was one of the things Ray loved about his friend, for it was one of the things that showed Fraser was just as human as the rest of the world.

 

As fast as it had started, their laughter faded.  The mood suddenly deepening as they stared into each other's eyes.  Ray shrugged out of his coat.  Last night he'd hung it in the closet beside the door.  Tonight, it landed in a heap before the closet.  His heartbeat accelerating, Ray saw Fraser undo his jacket.  There was a pause, during which Ray was certain that Fraser would drop his tunic to the floor as well, but at the last moment the conscientious Mountie relented and hung it over the doorknob. 

 

But it had been a near thing.

 

His gaze locked speculatively on his partner, Ray undid his silk tie, letting the garment fall onto the puddle that was his cashmere coat.

 

Ray's pulse kicked up the pace when Fraser undid his lanyard.  Looking a little torn, Benny dropped it to the floor.

 

The unspoken challenge met, they matched each other piece for piece, doing a slow, sexy striptease just within the front door.  Though he'd been with many women, Ray had never played this kind of game before, probably because he'd never had the self-confidence to pull it off. 

 

But the way Benny looked at him...it made him feel desirable, wanted.  He dropped his clothes without a trace of yesterday's self-conscious dread, comfortable in the certainty that Fraser liked what he was seeing.

 

Nothing with Fraser was like he expected it to be or even like normal, Ray recognized, grinning as the mood was temporarily broken when they reached their footwear.  Ray had managed to undo his shoelaces with a sexy bow and flare, slipping gracefully out of them.  But there was just no way Fraser could match him for speed or smoothness.  Those RCMP boots took longer to undo than his grandmother's corset.

 

His grin slowly faded as he watched Benny become flustered as he fought to undo the laces.  The faster the Mountie tried to undo the boots, the more he messed it up. 

 

Realizing that the flush tinting Fraser's cheeks was now one of embarrassment, Ray stepped up to his friend.  "Here, let me help."

 

Without waiting for a response, Ray bent down to aid in the task.

 

"I'm sorry, Ray," Fraser stiffly said.  "You don't have to –"

 

"Ssssh, relax," Ray soothed   Not wanting to lose the earlier playful, sexy mood, Ray attempted to distract his partner by reaching his hand up to lightly stroke the inner thigh of the leg he was working on. 

 

The jodhpurs were thick, but not that thick.  Fraser's surprised hiss filled the room.

 

A couple of minutes later, the boots were undone, leaving Fraser standing in his stockinged feet.

 

"Thank you most kindly, Ray," Fraser acknowledged with his typical sweetness.

 

Benny spoke to him in that tone about a hundred times a day.  For the very first time, Ray felt an aching yearning stir inside him.  Vaguely, he wondered if this was what women felt when his partner turned that charm on them, this sweet melting sensation that made you want to reach out and wrap yourself around all that goodness.  But unlike those countless females who lusted after Fraser and scared him with their aggression, Benny actually wanted his attentions.

 

"My pleasure," he mumbled.  Ray smiled at the man standing there in his long-sleeved undershirt, jodhpurs and socks, then gathered Fraser into his arms.

 

This was the first time he'd embraced his partner.  It was a hell of a lot different than holding a woman.  First off, Benny was near as tall as him, and almost twice his bulk.  Ray could almost feel the harnessed power and strength of the body he held so close, that ineffable masculine aggression that Fraser was holding so firmly in check.

 

At first neither of them seemed to know what to do in the embrace.  Ray's rule about no kissing on the mouth left them both standing there with their arms wrapped around each other, with no clue as to where to go from there.   

 

Ray hesitated a moment, then laid his cheek against the nearby shoulder.  The cotton was warm and soft against his skin.  Drawn by the lure of that milky white neck, Ray nuzzled at the baby smooth skin and was immediately rewarded by Fraser's gasp.

 

Kissing the tender area behind Benny's ear, Ray worked his hands down Fraser's sides.  Grabbing hold of the undershirt, he tugged it out of the jodhpurs.  Stepping back from Benny, he pulled it over his partner’s head, then quickly undid his own. 

 

Ray smiled as he pulled his head clear of the undershirt's neck.  Fraser was busy skimming off his uniform pants.  Not wanting to be left behind, Ray made swift work of his trousers and socks. 

 

Peeled down to his skivvies, Ray at his companion.

 

Fraser was standing there in his boxers, watching him with a hungering look and open disbelief.  It was an odd combination; one Ray had never had leveled at him before.

 

"I'll show you mine if you show me yours," Ray said with an encouraging wink.

 

Feeling as though he were teaching this sheltered man how to play and tease, Ray lowered his underpants.  His cock bobbed immediately up, happy to be free of its constriction.

 

Apparently, Fraser's couldn't wait to be liberated, for at the first sight of Ray's erection, the blood red tip of Benny's penis poked through the opening in the front of his boxers.

 

"Well, hello, there, Mister Mountie," Ray grinned, enjoying his blushing partner's reaction.  "Would you like to come out and play?"

 

Before Fraser could react, Ray reached out and tugged the snow-white cotton down his partner's hairy legs.  The pants dropped unnoticed to the floor as Ray regarded the flesh he'd just unveiled.                      

 

Temporarily at a loss as to what to say or do now that they were both in the altogether, Ray quickly bought time with, "You think we should try this on the bed tonight, Benny?"

 

Almost as though the sight of him had robbed Fraser of the ability to speak, Benny nodded and turned quickly towards the bed. 

 

Ray watched as his partner lay back on the double bed, Fraser's erection rising at an almost ninety-degree angle from his supine form.

 

Gulping, for he had absolutely no idea where to take this now, Ray slowly approached the bed. 

 

Benny was laid out like a sacrificial victim waiting for him there.  His partner's expression made it clear that it was completely up to Ray to determine what their next move would be.

 

If this were any woman, Ray would have crawled on top of her, kissed her all over until she was ready to be taken, but...this was no woman.  Kissing was against his own rules, and no one was going to be taken.

 

"Is something wrong, Ray?" Fraser asked after a minute or so.

 

Startled out of his daze, Ray shook his head, "Nope, just admiring the view."

 

Reassured by the open welcome in Fraser's eyes, Ray settled on the side of the bed.  He sat there for the longest time just staring at the silky expanse of skin covering that broad chest. 

 

Finally, unable to stop himself, he reached out to stroke it.  Benny was fully as warm and soft as he remembered, eminently touchable.

 

The sigh Fraser released at that simple gesture shocked him.  Startled, Ray realized that this was the first time he'd touched his friend's naked body.  Benny seemed very aware of that fact, his large, smoky eyes were fixed on Ray, seemingly memorizing everything they were doing.

 

Like he really needed that kinda pressure, Ray thought, already way too conscious of the fact that this was the first time he'd touched another man's body.  Last night Fraser had done all the work.  That had been easy.  This was...scary, because Ray didn't know where he wanted to go with this. 

 

All he knew for sure was that he didn't want to hurt his partner.  Benny deserved better than that.

 

Well, Fraser appeared to enjoy having his chest stroked.  That wasn't hard to do, and it was a good place to start, sort of asexual.  So, Ray employed both hands, lightly skimming over that hairless expanse, taking his time, getting to know it.

 

He found Fraser's left nipple and carefully squeezed it between his thumb and index finger. 

 

"Ray!" Fraser cried out, his hips bucking up so hard that he almost dislodged him from the bed.

 

"You like that, huh?" Ray grinned, repeating the action.

 

The moan that earned him was quite satisfying. Ray spent a long time pleasuring both pink buds of flesh, delighting in the reactions he pulled from this normally restrained man.

 

Before long, a glossy sheen of sweat broke out on Fraser's chest.  His impressive ribcage rose and fell in shallow pants.

 

Wanting to do more, Ray raised his legs onto the narrow bed and stretched out beside his friend.  He fixed his mouth on that luscious throat, sucking and licking while his fingers continued to play with Benny's nipples. 

 

Almost of their own accord, Ray's roving fingertips stroked lower, over the well-defined abdominal muscles and flat stomach.  Benny felt good all over, warm and inviting.

 

As Ray's hand dipped lower, Fraser's pelvis gave another jerk.

 

His blindly seeking fingers coming into contact with Fraser's powerful leg, Ray explored the softness of a hairy inner thigh as his mouth all but devoured that elegant throat.

 

To his shock, he felt Fraser pushing him up, away.

 

"Huh?  What's wrong, Benny?" he questioned as his lips detached with a loud smack from that tasty neck.

 

Fraser was panting hard now, his face so raptured with arousal that Ray barely recognized this beautiful, excited man as his controlled partner. 

 

"Please, Ray, please?" Fraser begged, as if they were in the middle of an on-going argument where Ray was staunchly refusing to go along with one of his friend's hare-brained schemes, instead of in the middle of making love.

 

"What?  Please - what?" Ray gently questioned. 

 

Genuinely bewildered, he stroked the beaded sweat from that puckered forehead.

 

"Please...touch me there.   Please?"  As if to demonstrate where there was, Fraser bucked his hips up again.

 

Guilt ridden, Ray leaned up to press a kiss to that furrowed brow.  He'd promised this man in good faith last night that he'd never make Fraser feel like a supplicant.  Yet, the very first time they were together in an intimate setting where Raywas expected to participate, he'd made his friend beg for a touch no lover should have to request.

 

"Sssh, I was gettin' there, baby," he swore, the endearment slipping from his lips easier than most lies.  "Ssssh, I gotchya...easy, easy..."

 

In good conscience, there could be no further delaying.  Bracing himself, Ray reached out to collect Fraser's cock into his hand.

 

Ray was prepared to be repulsed by the feel, the act of touching another man’s dick.  When he’d been younger, the very idea was enough to almost make him puke.  But, there was nothing the least bit repulsive about touching Benny’s cock this way.  Sure, that moist, hard flesh felt weird nestling in his palm.  Stranger still when it twitched and expanded further.  But it wasn’t disgusting, not like it should have been.

 

Fraser cried out loud at that first touch, like the sensations were too much to be borne. 

 

Garnering his courage, Ray gave an experimental squeeze – which elicited another shocked outcry from his partner. 

 

Benny was loving this, there was no mistaking that.  In fact, his partner was acting like this was the best thing that had ever happened to him, and all Ray had basically done was take him in his palm.  It was heart-wrenching how much just the touch of his hand meant to Fraser.

 

How did a person guard against something like that, he wondered, all choked up inside.  To just about everybody he knew, Ray Vecchio was nothing, but this kindest of men acted like he was something precious.

 

Wanting to please, Ray curled his fingers around the meaty length, imitating the tunnel he'd make for his own flesh when masturbating.  Almost distracted by the guttural sound effects, Ray slid his hand up the length of the shaft and back again, pulling gently, the way he liked it himself. 

 

One tug, two...Ray was working on three when Benny gave another cry and the cock in his hand fountained forth, splattering Ray's knuckles and Fraser's thigh and belly with thick white cream.

 

Utterly stunned, Ray could only stare at the semen falling on them.  He'd barely touched the man there...

 

After delivering a truly impressive payoff as far as volume went, the shaft in Ray's hand deflated, shrinking down to nearly half its size.

 

Ray was so transfixed by what had occurred that he couldn't pull his eyes from his partner's groin.  How long he lay there staring down at Fraser's lax genitals, Ray didn't know.  He was completely astounded that he could have this kind of effect on anyone.

 

His next conscious awareness was of the shuddery breath Fraser released.  Feeling the dense body he was leaning on tense up, Ray realized that something wasn't quite right.

 

Fraser's thickly muttered, "Sorry, sorry, so sorry, Ray," seemed to fill the entire room.

 

"What?" Ray asked, turning his gaze to his friend's face.  But Benny was staring off at the wall, as though he were ashamed to meet his eyes.  "What are you talking about, Benny?  What're you sorry for?"

 

"That was...too fast.  You weren't ready.  I jumped the gun..."

 

Untangling what Fraser was trying to tell him, Ray leaned over to kiss Fraser's still averted cheek.  It took everything in him to keep from covering those rosy lips with his own to make everything better.  "Did it feel good?"

 

Still not looking at him, Fraser gave a tight, affirmative nod.

 

Ray brought his hand up to stroke Fraser's far cheek, to gently urge his partner's face towards him.

 

Ray gulped when he caught sight of the other man's unguarded expression.  Fraser looked like a disappointed kid, like he feared that he'd ruined everything.

 

Swallowing around the lump this guy kept raising in his throat, Ray gently assured, "If it felt good, that's all that matters."

 

"It is?  You truly are not disappointed?"  Fraser seemed stunned, as though he hadn't really expected there to be anything in this arrangement that was solely for his own enjoyment.

 

Realizing that it wasn't too smart an idea to betray how much his partner moved him this early in the game, Ray nodded and said, "How could I be disappointed by my touch getting you so excited?  Don't worry about it, Benny.  We've got the rest of the night to get it right, partner."

 

"We do?"

 

Ray nodded, the moment feeling oddly solemn, oddly significant.  Once again, he had to fight back the urge to lean forward and kiss his partner.  He contented himself with outlining those tempting lips with his forefinger.

 

A natural born sensualist, for all his polite restraint, Fraser's lips parted to suck Ray's index finger in.

 

Ray gasped at the feel of that wet tongue tickling the pad of his finger.  Recalling the uses to which Fraser had put that tongue last night, he swallowed hard.

 

Unable to ignore the question in those hopeful eyes, Ray smiled.

 

"Don't worry," he promised, cuddling close to Fraser's soft warmth, feeling the relaxing effect his mere proximity had on his partner, "It'll all work out fine.  We'll get it right in time."

 

His assurance ringing in the air, Ray unashamedly snuggled closer to his partner's drowsy weight, actively anticipating the time when they'd both be ready to try to get it right again.

 

*~*~*

 

And get it right they did, three, sometimes five nights a week.  Even when he was married, Ray had never had such an active sex life.  To put it simply, Benton Fraser simply took his breath away.  Ray kept waiting for the day it would all go sour, the day when Fraser would wake up and see who he was with and go looking for something better, but Benny never did that. 

 

Fraser kept to his bargain, welcoming Ray to his bed anytime Ray made an overture in that direction, never once challenging any of Ray's ground rules – although Ray could see that the no kissing on the mouth rule bothered Benny terribly.  Sometimes Ray's heart would almost break at how close Fraser's kisses would come to his mouth without actually covering it. 

 

Part of Ray wanted to dispense with the foolish restriction, but the part of him that understood about survival knew that he needed that distinction now more than ever.  Sex with Benny was just way too seductive for him to take off any of the breakers he'd managed to maintain.  If he gave in on one thing, Ray knew he'd be down for the count.

 

"Ray!  Ray, Earth to Ray!  Are you in there, Vecchio?" A pleasant female tenor called.

 

Jolting back to the present, Ray got hold of himself.  Daydreaming about the Mountie was becoming a definite hazard.  He forced his attention onto his current task, which happened to be getting those case files from the Records Department.

 

Cheryl's big brown eyes were concerned as they rested on him.  "Are you okay, Ray?"

 

"Yeah, I just didn't get a lot of sleep last night, Cher," he assured, not telling her what had kept him awake or allowing himself to think about what, or rather, who, had kept him up – literally, as well as figuratively.  If he even thought about last night, he'd start grinning like a sap again.

 

"I found those case notes of Morovich's that you wanted," Cheryl said, passing over a ragged eared note pad. 

 

"Thanks, " he forced a smile for the sweet file clerk.  It wasn't her fault he wanted those files about as much as another root canal.  Ray hated picking up other detective's half-finished cases.  His own caseload had more than enough stalled cases in it without adding someone else's to the list.  But since Morovich had been shot on the Southside last week, they were all doing what they could to ease his partner's burdens.

 

"Ah, Ray?" she called as he turned to leave.

 

Ray glanced down at the counter, wondering if he'd forgotten something.  But he had all the files in his hand.  Confused, he looked up at her pretty round face. 

 

She had that sassy Bonnie Bodilla look about her that usually pushed all his buttons, but today he just noted her attractiveness the way he would one of Welsh's new ties.

 

"What's up, Cher?" he smiled.

 

"I was just wondering...I've got a  couple of tickets to the Springsteen concert this Friday.  If you're not busy, would you wanta come with me?"  It was obvious that it had taken every ounce of nerve for her to get the invitation out.

 

Stunned, Ray stared at her.  Finding his voice, he cautiously asked, "Wouldn't your fiancé’ be kinda upset if I went, instead of him?"

 

"He would, if he were still my fiancé’.  We called it off a couple of weeks ago," Cheryl informed, her eyes brimming.

 

Ray had courted her attention for the past two years.  But all that time, she'd been otherwise engaged.  Six weeks ago, he would have jumped at the invitation without thought, only...

 

He'd told Benny he'd take him to that Van Gough exhibit at the museum on Friday.

 

This shouldn't be a conflict, Ray realized.  This was clearly covered in their ground rules.  Ray was perfectly free to accept her invitation.  He could make it up to Benny on Saturday, only...the very idea of hurting Benny's feelings that way left him cold. 

 

No matter what they'd agreed to last month, Ray knew that his dumping Benny to see Cheryl on Friday would upset his partner, hurt him deeply.

 

And for what?  An awkward first date with someone on the rebound? 

 

He looked at her pretty face.  She hadn't been engaged for all of the last two years.  She hadn't even been dating her fiancé when she'd first started refusing his invitations.  Was he gonna hurt Benny to be with someone who'd never shown any real interest in him until she was dumped?

 

"I'm sorry, honey," he said softly, gently.  "I'm seeing someone."

 

"Oh, oh, I'm sorry.  I didn't realize-"

 

"No, don't apologize.  It was great of you to ask," Ray grinned.  "I'll see you later, Cheryl."

 

"Yeah, take care, Ray."  She smiled back, seemingly not upset.

 

Ray froze as he turned to find Tom Dewey standing a few feet away, watching him in shock.

 

"Are you outta your mind, Vecchio?"  Dewey hissed as Ray left the Records Room.  "I don't care if you're seeing fuckin' Sharon Stone.  A babe like Cheryl asks you out, you don't turn her down!"

 

"Can it, Dewey," he warned, walking by.

 

His bad luck held, Dewey trailed him back to the bullpen.

 

"I always knew you were mentally deficient, man, but that takes the cake," Dewey groused as they approached Vecchio's desk, where a familiar red-suited figure was patiently waiting.

 

"Hey, Fraser," the newest Duck Brother absently greeted, calling over to his partner Huey afterwards, "Jack, you will not believe what Vecchio just did, man!"

 

"Announce it to the whole office, why don't you?" Vecchio sneered.  "Put a sock in it, now."

 

"Put a sock?" Fraser blankly echoed.

 

Glaring at the Mountie, Ray snapped, "It's a turn of phrase, Fraser.  They have those in Canada, don't they?"

 

No doubt startled by his tone, the visibly confused Mountie replied, "Why, yes, Ray, of course we do."

 

Behind him, Huey's deep, elegant voice rumbled, "So what's got him so riled up, Thomas?"

 

"He just pulled the biggest boner I've ever seen.  We were down in records and Cheryl –"

 

Ray was up out of his chair.  In a heartbeat, Dewey was pinned against a file cabinet. 

 

"I asked you once to shut up.  I'm not gonna ask you again.  Understand?" Ray snarled.

 

It had been months since they'd gone at each other like this.  On the whole, Ray did his best to ignore Huey's obnoxious new partner – Fraser's influence, no doubt – but today, there was no holding back.  Fraser was not gonna hear about Cheryl's offer in front of a roomful of mocking assholes.

 

"Ray...Ray, please, release Detective Dewey," his partner's concerned voice broke through the angry red haze clouding his mind. 

 

The hand tugging on the wrist he had pinned across the sleezebag's windpipe proved to be Fraser's.  Ray reluctantly allowed Benny's worried eyes to coax him back to sanity.  Still not certain he was doing the right thing, he ceded to his partner's wishes.

 

"What the hell is the matter with you, Vecchio?" Jack Huey demanded, shouldering Ray aside to fuss over his red-faced, coughing partner.

 

"You fuckin' psychopath..." Dewey growled between chokes.  "I'm gonna –"

 

"Ray, I believe we should leave now," Fraser suggested, as ever the voice of reason.

 

Before Ray even knew what was happening, Benny had his arm and he was being jostled over to the coat rack.  Fraser bundled his coat onto him in seconds, maneuvering Ray's limbs as though the Mountie dressed a full-grown man every day.

 

They were sitting in the Riv, waiting for her engine to warm, before Ray regained anything like a semblance of control.

 

"I'm sorry about that," Ray said softly, not meeting Fraser's gaze.  He hadn't a clue as to how to explain to his partner what had set him off.  He wasn't entirely certain he knew himself.  The only thing he did know for sure was that he didn't want Fraser finding out about Cheryl's offer.  Because once Fraser knew, then Ray was going to be forced to examine the ramifications of his turning down that offer, and that was something he was determined to avoid.

 

"I'm not the one who is owed an apology in this situation, Ray," Fraser softly pointed out.

 

Ray glanced over at his friend, then looked quickly away again.  But like metal to lodestone, his gaze was drawn back to Fraser.  He couldn't not look at this man.  The same way he couldn't not love him, he was beginning to realize.  Those perfect, chiseled features almost hurt.  They were so pure, so honest.

 

Ray sighed and gave a weary nod, "Yeah, I know.  I'll make it up to Dewey."

 

Fraser nodded.

 

Ray watched as his partner bit his lower lip before staring off at the uninspiring view of the precinct parking lot outside the passenger window.  Taking in all the tell-tale signs of trouble, Ray drew a deep breath before giving in to the inevitable and asking, "Something bothering you, Benny?"

 

Visibly bracing himself, Fraser turned back to face him.  "I should be the one asking that question, Ray.  Your behavior before made it very plain that something is troubling you quite deeply.  I can't help but suspect that it is the altered nature of our relationship putting such pressure upon you."

 

Ray sighed.  From the moment he'd lost control in front of Fraser, he'd known this was going to happen, that his partner would find some way to blame himself for Ray’s own bad temper.

 

"Have I acted like our...altered relationship is putting pressure on me or that I am in any way...dissatisfied with what we do?" Ray demanded, wanting out of this conversation.  But he knew Benny too well.  If they didn't discuss this now, Fraser would be brooding over it all night.

 

Benny's gaze lowered and he slowly shook his head.  "No, Ray, you have been...most obliging."

 

Ray winced at the phraseology.  Even though it was he himself who had set the ground rules for their sexual relations, Ray hated hearing Benny refer to it that way, like having sex with Fraser were some odious chore.  He always got the feeling that Benny used that kind of terminology to remind himself of the nature of their relationship, to prevent himself from relaxing too much and taking things for granted, no doubt.  Even so, it bothered Ray to hear his friend speak that way.

 

Realizing that it was long past the time for a little honesty, Ray rubbed his hand over his features and softly admitted, "I've been an S.O.B. and we both know it, Benny."

 

He felt weary to the bone, totally drained.  It was like every time he hurt Fraser with the restrictions he'd placed on their love-making, he gouged out a piece of his own heart as well.  He wanted the hurting to stop; only, Ray didn't know what other choice he had.  He felt like he was fighting for his life here.

 

It wasn't even the fact that Benny was another man that was the problem anymore.  Ray had pretty much gotten over that particular inhibition the first time Fraser had gone down on him and blasted all those stupid hang-ups clear out of his system.

 

No, the problem was deeper than that, one that had plagued him his entire life.  Benny mightn't understand it, mightn't see the truth of it yet, but the fact was attractive people were always drawn to other attractive people.  That was just human nature.  Ray knew that sooner or later, Fraser was going to see the light and find someone worthier of him, someone more like Fraser himself.

 

Ray feared that if he didn't keep some control over this, he was going to lose himself totally in what they shared.  Then, when the day of reckoning arrived, that awful moment when Benny figured out what every other lover Ray had known eventually discovered – that he was wasting his time with him and moved on to greener pastures – Ray knew it would kill him.

 

Hell, it was gonna kill him now and he hadn't even let their love-play progress beyond some fellatio and frottage.  He'd done everything he could not to give his heart away, but the Mountie still had him wrapped around his little finger, for all that Ray might be momentarily calling the shots.

 

He'd known this was a mistake from the get-go, but anything had seemed preferable to watching Fraser walk away from him.  Now, he wasn't so sure.  No matter when it happened, it would hurt to lose his best friend, but if Benny left him now, he was gonna lose so much more than just a friend.

 

Deep down, Ray knew that he'd merely postponed the inevitable by starting all this.  Benny would tire of him, or tire of the game they were playing.

 

"Why would you say such a thing about yourself, Ray?" Fraser questioned, seeming genuinely disturbed by his self-critical statement.

 

"Because it's true.  I've been an S.O.B.," he answered, wondering how his partner managed to keep the resentment he must be feeling towards him from flavoring his every word and action.

 

"In what sense?" Fraser questioned.

 

Ray glared at that too innocent face, searching for subterfuge, but finding only honest confusion.  "In every sense.  I've used you; I've hurt you repeatedly, and you still keep coming back for more."

 

Fraser's emotional reactions were always so subtle they were hard to catch.  Only the crinkling of his high brow and the darting of his eyes momentarily betrayed Benny's feelings before they were hidden behind that bland mask.

 

"Ray, you made it quite plain from the start that you were incapable of...returning my affections to the degree I might desire."

 

"But that didn't keep me from screwing you; did it, Benny?"

 

"I don't understand what you're driving at here, Ray." Fraser softly confessed, looking befuddled.  "I haven't complained."

 

"And that makes it right?  I took something you held sacred and made a mockery of it.  What kind of person does that to his best friend?" Ray voiced the question that had been haunting him since their first night together. 

 

It was funny in a way.  He could believe that Benny really held these deep feelings for him; he just couldn't believe those feelings would last once the initial infatuation wore off.

 

"One could also ask what sort of person forces his best friend into carnal relations repugnant to his nature," Fraser countered in a calm voice, but his troubled gaze told its own story.  It was clear that Benny had as many reservations about their arrangement as he did.

 

"You didn't make me do anything against my nature.  This was my idea, remember?"

 

"I remember, as you must remember that I gladly accepted the terms of your proposal.  But I still sense that you are...troubled.  If you haven't grown...uncomfortable with our...arrangement, may I ask what is the cause of your distress?"

 

Ray stared over at the actual cause of his distress, not having a clue as to how to verbalize everything that was bothering him about the game they were playing.  He knew he shouldn't say anther word on the subject, but Ray found himself responding to Fraser's concern, the same way he couldn't help but respond to Benny's love.

 

"Maybe my conscience is gettin' the better of me, Benny.  You...you deserve better than what I give you.  If you found someone else..."

 

"Someone else would not be you, Ray.  The...intimacy, though wonderful in itself, is not the most important aspect of our...relationship.  What is important is being close to you, sharing these things with you specifically.  Where it might be true that another lover might be open to more...adventurous interplay, such actions would not have meaning with another."

 

Ray gulped, a fierce, squeezing pressure constricting his guts at Fraser's open avowal.  This was why he never let Benny talk about love, because Ray knew he'd be suckered into it.  He knew he should let the statement pass unchallenged, but something in him couldn't resist asking, "You really believe that, Benny?"

 

"Yes, Ray."

 

Two little words like that shouldn't rock a person's world.  Out of anyone else's mouth, they'd be meaningless, just so much sweet talk to get over and get what they wanted in bed, but coming from this man who never lied...the effect those two tiny syllables had was devastating.

 

Ray took a deep breath and tried to weather those words unscathed, but he was shaking so hard he could barely think straight.

 

"I realize that this is not what you wanted to hear, Ray," Fraser softly declared.  Ray could feel that concerned gaze digging into his right cheek.  "I'm sorry –"

 

Unable to bear hearing Benny apologize for his feelings one more time, Ray wearily squeezed his eyes shut. 

 

Maybe it would all fall apart in a month or so, but Benny really felt these things for him now.  It wasn't fair to keep his friend thinking that every time they were together it was some tremendous sacrifice or ordeal on his own part.

 

"You really wanta know what set me off before?" Ray demanded almost angrily, abandoning all pretense.

 

So what if he was setting himself up for a fall again, Ray told himself.  He'd done it with just about every woman he'd ever dated.  Fraser, at least, had the unique distinction of actually being in love with him.  God knew, Benny had earned a little honesty in this past month of their painful game.  Every time they made love, Ray could see how his refusal to kiss Fraser on the mouth practically ripped the other man's heart out.  It was high time he gave Benny the chance for some pay back.

 

"If you'd care to share that information with me."

 

Realizing that there was very little he wouldn't care to share with this man, Ray gave a sad smile and said, "Do you remember that cute brunette down in Records – Cheryl?"

 

Sensing an astronomical increase in the tension level on the other side of the Riv, Ray watched his partner give a cautious nod.

 

"Well, we both know I've been chasing her for the last two years, right?"

 

Fraser gave another tight nod, his features blanking entirely of emotion.  Ray could almost feel the defensive barriers popping up around his partner, could nearly touch Fraser's sense of dread.  All that, because he'd simply mentioned some girl's name, Ray marveled, once again astounded by the power to hurt this self-reliant man had granted him.  No one had ever been this vulnerable to Ray's whimsies before.  It felt good to be that important to someone, but, at the same time, it scared the hell out of him.

 

"Today when I was up in Records, Cheryl invited me to the Bruce Springsteen concert this Friday," he finished.

 

"I see," Fraser said slowly, the blue of his eyes turning as icy as a Yukon winter.  "Then I expect that we will not be going to the museum as planned.  Do not concern yourself, Ray.  I can give the tickets to-"

 

"You can shut up and listen for a minute," Ray gently interrupted.  "Benny, I'm not going to the Springsteen concert."

 

"But you said-"

 

"I said Cheryl asked.  I didn't say I said yes."

 

"Oh," Fraser responded, visibly thrown by his words.  His mind obviously busy analyzing the information from a thousand different angles, Benny cautiously inquired, "May I ask what prompted your decision to refuse the lady's invitation?"

 

"You and I had plans," Ray explained, feeling way too exposed.

 

"But you stipulated that we were free to date others if the opportunity arose, that...what we share had to come after that," Fraser reminded, sounding as though he just couldn't understand what Ray was attempting to tell him.

 

"Yeah, I did."

 

"If that hasn't changed, then why did you turn down the invitation?"

 

Abruptly on dangerous ground, Ray gave into his defensiveness and crudely suggested, "I could say I did it because I know it's a sure thing that I'll get laid with you, but on a first date with Cheryl, sex would be problematical at best."

 

He expected Benny to be put off by his vulgarity, but Fraser merely remained quiet a moment before questioning, "Is that what you're saying?  That your decision was based upon probable sexual gratification alone?"

 

"It should have been," Ray countered, putting the car into reverse and backing out of their parking space – mostly to distract himself from that watching gaze.

 

"But wasn't?" Fraser's voice was hushed with disbelief.

 

"But wasn't," Ray confirmed, easing the Riv out onto the street.  "I turned her down because I knew it would hurt you if I accepted and...and because I really wanted to be with you, not her."

 

"And that's what's bothering you."  There was no victory in Fraser's attitude, only concern.

 

Ray could feel that worried blue gaze boring into his right cheek.

 

"Yeah, Benny, that's what's bothering me.  I never wanted to feel that way.  This was supposed to be for you, not for me.  I was supposed to just be a body there.  It was supposed to be something I endured for the sake of our friendship, not something I looked forward to, not something I'd choose over a beautiful woman's company."

 

"I'm sorry, Ray," Fraser's regret sounded genuine, for all that this event must have been something he'd desired all along.  "If you wish to discontinue our liaison, I fully understand."

 

Ray glanced from the traffic over at Fraser.  Benny actually looked like he was prepared to be told to get lost.

 

"How's that gonna help the situation any?" he questioned, staring back at the white van moving ahead of them.

 

"It would relieve you of the necessity of –"

 

"Benny, don't you understand?  I don't wanta be relieved – that's what's bothering me so much.  I just haveta figure some stuff out."

 

"Ah," the quiet on the other side of the car was filled with the feel of heavy thinking.

 

When the atmosphere became too oppressive to be borne, Ray began, "I know I promised you dinner tonight, Benny, but..." His mouth dried up.  He couldn't voice his request.

 

"You would prefer to be alone to think things through, perhaps?" Fraser gently suggested.

 

"No, I wanta go back to your place.  Now.  Okay?"

 

"Yes," Fraser immediately agreed in that soft, obliging tone of his that melted Ray's bones.

 

He glanced over at his partner.  Normally, Ray didn't allow himself to dwell on how physically appealing Fraser was.  Such indulgences didn't help in his battle to keep his heart untangled.  Good-looking was just an attribute of Fraser's, like being neat or considerate.  Ray refused to allow it to affect him.  He wasn't his sister; he wasn't besotted by a handsome face.  Hell, it would have been easy if his attraction to Benny had been that simple.  But it was so much more than just looks.

 

Still, tonight Ray found it impossible to ignore those looks.  In his ever pristine, red serge uniform, Fraser looked like the leading man in some adventure flick, something too beautiful and true for this world.  Benny's face was set in that serious, intense expression that accentuated the strength of his bone structure. 

 

When combined with Fraser's usual earnestness and idealism, that intensity practically made him glow like a saint in one of those old oil paintings.  It made Benny appear even better looking than he actually was.  Like Ray really needed that.

 

Wondering if it would be easier in the long run if he just slit his own throat now and was done with it, Ray returned his attention to the road.

 

The silence stretched between them again, but this time Ray didn't try to break it.  It lasted all the way back to West Racine.  The tension was almost a living thing between them as they climbed that rickety staircase up to Benny's flat.

 

Dief bounced off the bed to greet them as they stepped into Benny's place, all wagging tail and wet, welcoming snout.  The wolf's clownish poking around for food brought the nervous energy between them down to a manageable level.

 

"No luck tonight, big fella," Ray replied to the inquisitive nosing he received, "But if you're a good boy and give us some privacy for the next few hours, there's a pizza in it for you."

 

"Ray, really!" Fraser admonished.  "Bribery is hardly a proper means to enforce good behavior.  Dief needs –"

 

Tilting a challenging brow at his partner, Ray knelt down to wolf eye-level and clearly enunciated, "Dief needs to go sit on that rug over there like a good dog if he wants his pizza later."

 

Ray tried very hard not to laugh at Fraser's disgruntled expression as Diefenbaker quickly crossed to the oval throw rug and settled himself down onto the carpet as requested.

 

Ray climbed back to his feet. 

 

His grin slipped from his face as he met his partner's waiting gaze.  Once again ensnared by the other man's intense physical beauty, Ray swallowed hard.  Fraser was just so damn good-looking it scared him at times, for Ray knew that he'd never be able to hold on to this.  Still, Benny was just a man, prone to human needs the same as any other.  For whatever reason, Fraser desired him.  But Ray sometimes found it difficult to remember that when faced with this perfect poster boy for the RCMP.

 

"Lose the uniform," Ray ordered as he removed his own overcoat.

 

They had undressing fast down to an art-form.  They certainly practiced enough to have perfected it, Ray thought as he laid his suit jacket, tie, and shirt on the back of one of Fraser's hard back chairs.

 

As normally happened, Ray finished disrobing first.  His clothing was so much less complicated than his partner's.  The wait didn't bother Ray.  He loved watching Benny undress.

 

Fraser was in the process of unlacing those kinky high boots of his.   Ray tried to be objective as he studied the smooth curves of the Mountie's form as his partner bent to his task, tried to tell himself that Fraser wasn't all that hot, but just the sight of that tight butt outlined by those ridiculous jodhpurs made his blood pound and his mouth water.

 

Ray gasped as those highly defined ass muscles flexed as Fraser twisted to reach his other boot.  His cock went rock hard at the sight of those firm globes rippling beneath those silly woolen britches.  Suddenly, Ray's longing solidified into hot, pulsing, throbbing need.  He needed Benny so bad, right now that it hurt.

 

Swallowing hard, Ray gruffly ordered, "Freeze right there," as Fraser finished with his boot lacings.

 

"What?" a red faced Fraser peered up at him from beneath the Mountie's wide splayed thighs.

 

"Don't move.  Hold that pose," Ray rasped, approaching his awkwardly bent friend from behind.

 

To his surprise, Fraser complied with his request.  Fraser didn't move.  Wearing only his long sleeved, white Henley undershirt, jodhpurs and unlaced boots, Fraser remained in that strained position, his ass up in the air like a farm boy bent over a barrel waiting for a whupping.

 

Ray's mouth ran dry as he came to a halt behind his friend.  His blood pounding a mad tattoo in his ears, he slowly reached out to lay both hands upon that upraised butt.  He'd touched Benny here a thousand times before, but always in passing, restless caresses that explored, without marking the territory as his own.  Tonight, his hands settled in a proprietary manner upon those uniform covered globes.

 

Not sure what he was doing, just following his instincts, Ray stroked his fingers over the coarse brown material of the jodhpurs, which was stretched so tight across his partner's ass. 

 

Benny's startled gasp was completely unanticipated.

 

Liking the sound of it, Ray increased the pressure of his fingers.  His thumbs followed the hard line of the britches’ seam down between the cheeks of Fraser's ass, pressing in harder the lower they dropped.

 

Fraser groaned at that, his body jerking spasmodically.

 

Encouraged by Benny's helpless response, Ray found himself reaching around his partner's waist to unfasten the jodhpurs.  When he received no protest when he grasped the button, Ray undid it.  His hands left Benny's waist only long enough to slip the outdated suspenders from Fraser's shoulders, then they returned to Benny's front to look for the Mountie’s zipper. 

 

As he groped around over that hard, moving bulk which was trying to push its way out of the front of Benny's trousers, the vocal accompaniment to his blind search set a fire smoldering in Ray's own loins.  As hot as he'd gotten Fraser in the past, Ray had never heard Benny groan like that before.

 

As he leaned his weight on that broad, capable back, Ray could hear and feel Fraser panting wildly for breath beneath him.  Every guttural groan Fraser gave reverberated through Ray’s chest cavity like the baseline at a rock concert, making his own racing heart pound faster. 

 

It was an incredible turn on, feeling how excited he'd gotten this reserved man just by undoing a single button.  But Ray knew it was more than that exciting Benny, more than a little blind groping.  It was the symbolism inherent in their positions that was igniting Fraser.

 

Ray realized that this was something they should have discussed beforehand.  Or, barring that, it was certainly something Ray should ask about now, before they went any further.  This wasn't something you just took for granted. 

 

They weren't kids, neither of them.  Even his sexually sheltered partner had to know that there was no way back from where they were headed.  If they played this particular game, things were never gonna be the same between them again. 

 

So, common decency demanded that Ray be sure his companion was cognizant of the consequences.  But Ray knew in his bones that giving Benny a minute to think or, God forbid, talk, was the surest way to put the kibosh on where they were headed.  If Fraser didn't balk, then Ray himself was certain to the moment he allowed himself to think about what they were doing.

 

Therefore, Ray didn't allow either of them a second's thought.  He simply reached around and finally found that damn zipper and eased it open.

 

The sigh Fraser released was one of sheer, carnal relief.  Although his uniform fit him perfectly, Benny was big.  When aroused, those jodhpurs got tighter than a vise, and they didn't have the give of even blue jeans.  If you got a hard-on in them, you could do yourself some serious damage if you didn't get them open fast enough. 

 

It was probably just another inducement for always maintaining that inhuman control that was part of the perfect Mountie persona, Ray suspected.  Fraser had probably never had a problem with his jodhpurs before in his life.  Ray found the inconvenience Benny had been experiencing this past month almost flattering.

 

With practiced ease, Ray slid the yellow striped riding britches and Benny's starched boxers down off the upraised butt.  He left Fraser's pants pooled around his boot tops.

 

There was only filtered streetlight illuminating the apartment, but even that poor lighting picked out the pallor of Fraser's skin.  Those tender, vulnerable globes seemed to glow like twin moons, beautiful and pure as porcelain in their perfect splendor. 

 

Ray lost what little breath he'd managed at their unveiling.

 

Realizing that Benny's awkward bend wasn't going to cut it for the long haul, Ray growled, "Down."

 

His command seemed to startle Fraser out of his daze for a moment.  "What?"

 

Recognizing that he was pushing the envelope to its furthest limit, that he was testing their relationship by making this ultimate demand, Ray ordered, "Kneel."

 

The part of him that was still concerned with his survival was almost hoping that Fraser would come to his senses and refuse.  The larger part of himself gasped in visceral shock as his partner carefully eased down onto his knees. 

 

Relentless, Ray followed him down.

 

Visibly hesitant, Fraser knelt there in nothing but his pristine white Henley, with his pants down around his ankles, watching Ray over his left shoulder.  

 

The very sight of him took Ray's breath away.  His better sense long gone, Ray knelt behind Benny on that cold, hard linoleum. 

 

For a long moment, Ray simply stared, then he took hold of the hem of the Mountie's Henley and hauled it over Fraser's head, baring Benny's chest to the apartment's chill. 

 

Taking in the beautiful, masculine torso revealed, Ray tossed the shirt across the room.  

 

As he knelt there looking back at Ray with that uncertain expression on his face, his cheeks flushed with arousal and his dark pelt of hair all askew from the removal of his undershirt, Fraser was a painfully desirable figure.  Normally, everything about the Mountie bespoke the man's strength, even in intimate encounters.  But Ray had never seen his partner appear so vulnerable.

 

Seeing Fraser look at him like that, moved him down to the smallest fiber of his being.  It left him shaking inside, needing things that he didn't want to examine too closely.

 

Without a word, for he didn't dare speak for fear of shattering the fragile spell around them, his trembling hand reached out for Fraser's shoulder and arm.  He guided Benny down onto his hands and knees, then scooted in behind him.

 

Shocked, he realized that Fraser was shaking so bad that his arms could barely hold him up as Benny hunched there, his back straight as a table top.

 

Maneuvering under Fraser's arms, Ray ran his hands over that sleek chest.  He found both of Benny's nipples and fingered them, causing his partner to cry out like Benny usually did only at the height of orgasm.  

 

As he carefully pinched and rolled those tiny pebbles of excited flesh, Ray rested his weight fully against Fraser's back and leaned up to kiss his partner's sweaty neck.

 

He could feel the jolt, like a flash of raw electricity coursing straight from Fraser into himself, as Ray’s hard cock nudged against the back of Benny's left thigh.  The thick hair on the back of Fraser's leg was soft, an incredible turn-on as it tickled the leaking crown of his cock. 

 

It wasn't a moan, or a groan, or even a cry that Fraser released then.  It was a whimper.  There was just no other definition for that piercing, vulnerable sound. 

 

It shot straight through Ray, making his shaft twitch, harden and nudge demandingly against Fraser's hairy hamstring.

 

That earned Ray a totally new, almost mewling sound, that was somewhere between the previous whimper and a sob.

 

"Ah, Benny, Benny...you feel so good," Ray sighed as his right hand dropped to take possession of Fraser's meaty dick.  Benny was fully erect, hard as a nine-inch lead pipe under that velvet-soft, moist skin.

 

His teeth sunk into Fraser's shoulder as he started to pump that needy flesh.  Ray's own hips fell into rhythm with his quick moving hand, pistoning his hungry cock against that hard wall of ungiving, hairy thigh muscle. 

 

Needing more, Ray shifted a little, until his next thrust poked his demanding shaft up between the cleft between those sweat sheened cheeks.

 

The encounter became a whole other ball game with that one move. 

 

Benny hissed and froze beneath him as Ray’s reality was rocked by the teeth-rattling urge to penetrate.

 

Only...Fraser wasn't a woman.  Benny wasn't all sticky and dripping with natural fluids where Ray wanted to shove his needy dick.  Benny was tight and dry and untouched there.  Ray knew that if he shoved his hungry cock up that virgin passage without proper preparation., he'd rip his partner to pieces. 

 

But there was no stopping now.  He felt like that damn train Bolt had sabotaged – running at full throttle, with no breaks or any way to slow down, with a nuclear explosion percolating inside that was just waiting to happen. 

 

Since stopping wasn't a possibility, Ray settled on the only alternative – preparation.

 

Trembling and sweating like a malaria victim, Ray pulled back from his partner's rump.  Wild eyed, he stared around the ascetic apartment, vainly searching for something that would pass as a lube.  There was that jar of pregnant whatever jell that Benny used as a disinfectant for wounds.  It was in a petroleum based jell, but it stunk too bad to even consider employing it in a sexual situation. 

 

As for the kitchen, the Yukon hadn't taught Benny anything about proper cooking.  Fraser didn't have olive oil or even Crisco.  The Mountie might have butter, but...butter turned rancid when warmed.  That wouldn't exactly be hygienic. 

 

Finally, Ray's frantic gaze settled upon his own overcoat, which was tossed over another hardback chair just a few feet away.  His tiny tube of Vaseline lip jell mightn't be the greatest, but it was all they had and would have to do.

 

Ray had retrieved the blue capped lip gloss from his pocket and was on his way back when Fraser's worried sounding "Ray?" filled the room.

 

"Right here, baby," Ray assured, stroking that milky, pale butt.

 

"Where did you go?" Benny questioned.

 

"Just had to get something.  Ssssh, it's okay.  We're back in business," he soothed, bending to plant a soft kiss on the nearest butt cheek.

 

Hearing Fraser give an unconscious gasp at the touch of his lips in that unprecedented spot, Ray lavished kisses over the whole area.  Nibbling and sucking on the tender flesh, he paid Benny the tactile attention Fraser seemed to have hungered for his entire life.

 

It was easy to do.  Benny had the most touchable body Ray had ever had the good fortune to experience.  That baby soft flesh seemed to melt under his lips as he charted every inch of that well-formed butt.

 

Once he'd given the wide area of the cheeks their due, Ray moved inwards again, approaching the shadowed cleft he'd steered clear of earlier in his efforts to relax his friend. 

 

His fingers moved to boldly part the pert globes.  Fraser gasped at that action, then stunned Ray by screaming "OOOH MYYY!" as Ray’s tongue snaked down the dark, sweaty ravine.

 

Though he'd been married for years and had many a steamy affair before and since that time, Ray had never stuck his tongue up someone's butt before.  It took some getting used to, but hearing how turned on Fraser was by even this mild exploration of the outermost reaches smothered his inhibitions. 

 

Ray found his objective, by smell, if nothing else.  They hadn't showered since this morning.  Ray knew this should disgust him, but he was way too hot to allow such irrelevancies to distract him.  What he was doing was driving Benny wild with pleasure.  That was all that mattered to him right now. 

 

So, Ray's tongue tip located that hidden, tight bud of muscle and proceeded to dismantle Fraser with delight.  The cries and shouts Benny gave as Ray rimmed that pucker of dark flesh were incredible.  It was clear that Fraser had never experienced the likes of this before.

 

Ray didn't know how long he spent rimming that secret spot, but the anus was wet and pliant when his exhausted tongue finally called a quit to their sport.

 

Before Fraser could lose any of that hard-won relaxation, Ray raised his head, popped his index finger into his mouth, wet it thoroughly, then transferred as much spit as he could to Benny's sphincter. 

 

With next to no resistance, Ray pushed his finger up past that saliva slick ring of flesh.

 

Benny froze and hissed at the feel of that finger entering him.

 

Ray lowered his head to that luscious butt again and nibbled across the cheeks as his index finger pushed up the dryness of that tight, hot channel.  He pulled it out, wet it some more, then slicked the interior further up. 

 

Benny was so tight it was amazing.  Irene had been a virgin the first time they'd done it, but even she hadn't been this tight once he'd broken her hymen.  Maybe because her body had prepared itself for his penetration.  Benny didn't have any natural juices to ease Ray's way, so Fraser felt tighter around him.

 

Ray spent a long time exploring that painfully-gripping tunnel.  When he'd gotten Benny accustomed to his index finger, he added his middle one to widen the entrance. 

 

Every time he made a new move or stuck his finger up into Benny, he kept waiting for the Mountie to regain his senses and call a halt to what they were doing.  Ray could tell that the act itself was very difficult for Fraser.  His partner had a lot of control issues, and kneeling there with his ass up in the air, completely at another man's mercy while his body was poked and prodded in preparation to being sodomized had to be pushing every one of Fraser's control meters right into the red zone. 

 

Several times while Ray was working to loosen the tract, a sheen of sweat broke out on Fraser's body and his partner tensed up as though doused with ice water. 

 

It was then that Ray would sense the battle going on inside.  Always, he was ready to back off, if so demanded, but Benny never made that request.  Ray could tell that it took every bit of Fraser's courage, but his partner never once told him to stop. 

 

When he'd feel those internal demons making their play, Ray would stop moving his finger inside Fraser and just let it rest there, his willingness to withdraw implicit.  Then he would lower his head and gently kiss Benny's soft downed butt until the crisis passed. 

 

The feel of his lips on Fraser's flesh seemed to have a calming effect, making even the imposition of a penetrating finger or two bearable to the Mountie.

 

What that told Ray about his power over his friend was more than a little frightening, but he took full advantage of it.  He'd never wanted anything in his life as badly as he wanted to stick his cock up inside Benton Fraser.

 

Finally, Benny seemed loose enough to permit full penetration. 

 

Ray carefully extracted his fingers and picked up the nearby Vaseline tube.  He slathered half of the contents of the tiny tube over his pulsing cock, then cautiously transferred the remaining white jell to Fraser's anus.  Benny's opening was still wet and loose, so it was no trouble to coat that dark ring with lubricant.

 

Taking a deep breath, Ray positioned himself and pushed.  It was harder than when he'd popped Irene's cherry.  Although Fraser was prepared, his body still clamped up in instinctive resistance to the initial penetration. 

 

Ray had to push hard to get through the inner ring that clutched at him as soon as he'd made it through the exterior opening. 

 

Fraser’s response to being penetrated was the first cry Benny gave that night that wasn't motivated by sheer ecstasy, but they'd come too far for Ray to pull back. 

 

But, if Benny was hurting, he couldn’t just do this.

 

Gasping in air, Ray rasped, “You want me to pull out?”

 

“No, just...go slow.  Please?”

 

“You got it, baby,” Ray promised, sinking slowly through that resisting flesh.

 

Thankfully, he was able to work his way in without hurting Benny too much.  Even if Ray had wanted to, he couldn't have stopped now.  It felt as if he’d waited his whole life for this union.  Sinking into Fraser's incredibly tight body was like coming home for the very first time ever.  This was where Ray had wanted to be, what he'd searched for and never found, not even in his marriage bed. 

 

Benny felt so good gripping him.  It was a dark, erotic pleasure that Ray, with his conservative Catholic upbringing, had never imagined existed.  Now that he'd had a taste of it, he felt hooked for life.  He wanted to spend the rest of his nights with his cock buried to the hilt inside this man's body, wanted the thrill of possessing Benton Fraser on a daily basis.  In short, he wanted to make this man his own.

 

The fact that Fraser had let him go this far told Ray that it wasn't as impossible a desire as his insecurities might have suggested.  Not even yesterday would Ray have believed that Fraser would allow him to fuck him on his hands and knees in the middle of the floor like a pair of wild animals.

 

But he hadn't fucked Benny yet.  Mightn't be able to at all if that resistance didn't loosen up some.

 

Ray's acceptance of his desire to own Benny seemed to trigger something dark inside Fraser, for his partner’s body seemed to freeze up and physically try to repel Ray from within him. 

 

It was the by-the-book Mountie rearing his head, Ray recognized, Benny's darker half trying to fight him off.  This was the independent, self-serving bastard that made Fraser manipulate people so long as the cause was good. 

 

Poor Benny was that bastard's worst victim, for the Mountie was harder on no one than himself.  That puritan spirit was the counterpart to Ray's insecure shadow self.  It was the control freak in Benny, Ray knew, the uptight Mountie who would never allow Fraser to let down his guards enough to let anyone close to him, or let Benny have friends or any fun, let alone partake in earth-shaking sex.  That demanding super-ego never allowed Fraser to seem vulnerable or human.  The Mountie was going to do everything it could to destroy this for Fraser, now that Benny wasn't suffering for his love anymore, now that Ray was allowing himself to experience more than the pathetic crumbs he'd thrown Fraser this past month.

 

If this was going to work for them both, Ray knew he was going to have to take on that Mountie.  He was gonna have to fight him to win Benny. 

 

Seeing the fresh sheen of sweat break out on Benny’s skin and feeling how that tight tract clenched up around him again, Ray recognized that the Mountie was going to try to make this as unpleasant for Fraser as possible, so that Benny wouldn't want to get close to Ray this way again, so that Benny would never again bare so much of his soul.

 

Knowing that if Benny didn't relax fast, the Mountie was gonna win, for this was really gonna hurt Benny, Ray fumbled a hand around Fraser's front to collect his cock. 

 

The thought of stopping entirely played through Ray's mind, but he knew his enemy.  If he gave the Mountie an out right now, that cold hearted bastard would make damn sure Benny never got this close to him again.  No, he had to fight it out here, make the Mountie enjoy this as much as his lover Benny wanted to.

 

And that wasn't going to be easy, for Ray had no idea what, if anything, the Mountie enjoyed.  Benny was a sensualist, but the task master in his heart was a prude.  Ray knew that from watching how that driving spirit inside forced Benny to turn away from all pleasures of the flesh when they were offered. 

 

But the puritan wasn't omnipotent.  He didn't have complete control over Fraser, although he obviously wanted it.  Benny's need for Ray was apparently something even the Mountie hadn't been able to purge from his system, or they wouldn’t be doing this right now. 

 

But Ray had that cruel task master’s number now. 

 

The Mountie had made a mistake here.  He should never have let Benny love him at all.  But the Mountie had no doubt permitted Benny to enter into this less than satisfying sexual liaison because it was causing Fraser more pain than joy.  As long as that love had been unrequited and painful to Fraser, the Mountie had been willing to tolerate it, but now that Ray had upped the ante and was starting to allow Benny into his heart, the Mountie was recognizing the danger and was in full retreat. 

 

Ray couldn't allow that other Fraser, whom Ray thought of as only the Mountie, to spoil this.  If they didn't go forward here, they were finished.  There was no going back.  So even though Ray would have preferred their first time down this road to be more tender than it was shaping up to be, he knew that he couldn't pull back.  This was going to be a Battle Royale for dominion over Benny's soul.  That joyless puritan was not going to kill Fraser's spirit.  Their love would win.

 

Ray did his best to help Benny through his darker half's fight for supremacy.  He milked that silky cock of Fraser's for all that he was worth. 

 

For the longest time, it seemed a lost cause.  His determined pumping seemed to have absolutely no effect against the no-doubt painful penetration and the internal war raging inside Benny.

 

"Benny, Benny, come on, baby, you gotta relax.  Loosen up, sweetheart,” Ray begged, wanting to share his delight, wishing that Benny would relax enough to enjoy this.  Sensing the positive effect his voice was having on his partner by the infinitesimal loosening of the muscle gripping him, Ray continued speaking, “You feel so good, baby.  So perfect.  I’ve waited forever to love ya like this...”

 

"L-love me?"  Fraser choked out the one word Ray had forbidden, staring back over his shoulder at Ray with such a lost, wounded expression in his tear-bright eyes that Ray almost went limp inside his friend from the guilt of it.

 

No one should sound that scared and uncertain when they were being screwed, Ray’s conscience declared.  Even though he knew it was dangerous to admit such a thing, Ray found himself responding to that uncertainty.  Forcing fake hardness into his tone, Ray demanded, “Yeah, love you.  You got a problem with that?”

 

"But you said...|" the confused child that was Fraser at this moment protested, obviously struggling against Ray’s rules of engagement that had shadowed this past month, as well as his darker self's puritanical orders.

 

"I know what I said.  I was scared and I was wrong.  Please, Benny, try to forgive me enough to trust me.  Can you do that?  Can you let me love you?"

 

It was criminal how badly those searching eyes wanted to believe him.  It was equally clear how badly Benny had been burnt by the restraints of this past month, how difficult it was for Fraser to believe that Ray could feel anything but the basest lust for him. 

 

Ray could almost hear the Mountie whispering into Benny's ear that Ray was only saying these things now to get Fraser's body to loosen up enough for him to fully enjoy his pleasure.  And, in his heart, Ray couldn't blame either Benny or the Mountie for fearing that. 

 

After all, Ray had plunged them into this with no thought as to what their sexual hijinks might cost Fraser, who believed himself legitimately in love with Ray. 

 

How could he in good faith ask for Benny's trust now when he'd spent the last five weeks screwing around with the other man's heart?

 

His Benny never lied.  As much as it was clear that Fraser wanted to give in and tell Ray yes, his partner’s honesty forced him to admit, "I don't know, Ray.  I can try."

 

Ray stared into those wet eyes.  Fraser wasn't crying, but he was perilously close. 

 

Ray was grateful for the restraint.  If those tears had fallen, there was no way in hell he could have lived with himself.

 

"That's all anyone can ask.  Just relax.  Let me love you, baby."

 

As if Ray's voice wove a magic spell, Benny took a deep breath and nodded.

 

Ray gave the cock in his hand a hopeful squeeze and recommenced pumping, murmuring “Love you, Benny” over and over as he did so. 

 

To his eternal relief, the shaft in his hand twitched in response and began to refill with blood.  Simultaneously, the tract gripping Ray’s penis, presently tighter than a vise, loosened around him infinitesimally, and Ray slipped that much further up into his friend. 

 

Inch by slow inch, Ray fought to claim that untouched territory as his own, the control freak in Fraser fighting him every inch of the way. 

 

"That's it, Benny.  Let go.  Just trust me.  Love you, love you..." Ray kept up the tender nonsense, deep down feeling like he was fighting a losing battle, for, in his heart, he knew that the Mountie was right to distrust.  What right did he have to demand this of Benny after all the times he'd hurt him over the past weeks by arbitrarily refusing to recognize Fraser's deepest emotional needs?

 

Ray didn't know how he could get through to Fraser, to let Benny know that he'd done some growing up in the last few hours and was ready to be the man Benny needed him to be.  How could he expect Fraser to believe such a ridiculous statement, even though it was the truth? 

 

Even idealistic Mounties had their limits.

 

In the end, it was the one thing that had never let them down so far that came through for Ray.  From their very first night together, his mouth might have voiced some of the stupidest lies as he'd sought to restrict their love, but the one thing that had never failed to communicate the depth of emotion he held for this man was his touch.  Once again, that proved true.

 

Though the penetration was obviously almost agonizing due to the internal battle Fraser's darker half was raging, Ray kept pumping Benny's cock and sinking deeper in every chance he got.  Then, by what seemed the sheerest accident, the head of his intruding shaft made contact with a rounded protuberance on the passage wall that he hadn't found in his earlier forays inside his partner. 

 

Benny cried out as Ray rocked against that bump in the passage.  Fraser's entire body seemed to ignite at the contact.  Instead of shrinking forward to escape his penetration, Fraser's butt suddenly bucked back at Ray, increasing the contact on the special spot. 

 

Ray was more than delighted to oblige his friend by rubbing against that magic button.  It set Benny off, making him buck and thrash about like an unridden bronco.  And like that wild stallion's rider, Ray was doing his best to master that resistance, to tame something so wild that most people never even saw, let alone touched anything like it.

 

Stunned, Ray realized what had happened.  He'd found a pleasure that Fraser had never experienced before, a joy the Mountie couldn't cut off at source, because the Mountie had been taken as unaware by it as Benny had.  That's what was so wild about Fraser's response – both the Mountie and Benny were reacting together. 

 

This was the chance Ray had been waiting for, the opportunity to sweep both Benny and the puritanical Mountie off their feet.

 

Ray knew he was fighting dirty by using the sex Fraser had so rarely enjoyed in his life to win the Mountie's submission, but...Ray wasn't going to lose this.  The Mountie wasn't going to scare Benny away from feeling things for the rest of his life. 

 

With this act and by daring to voice his love for Benny, Ray was shaking off his own shadow self.  As he made Benny his, owned both Mountie and Benny with pleasure, Ray vowed that he was going to hold on to this.  Nothing and no one was going to ever come between them again.  Ray was determined that Fraser was not going to drop him for some shapely barbie doll, not ever.  Benny was his.  If keeping Fraser meant breaking the Mountie that controlled Benny, making the gorgeous man completely subordinate to the lust Fraser bore him, then so be it.  He'd make Fraser want this so bad that nothing the puritanical Mountie ever whispered in his ear would break the erotic stranglehold Ray had on Benny's heart.

 

It wasn't hard to do.  It was what Ray had wanted from the first time he'd laid hands on Benny's tender flesh, to just give in to this urge and love his partner to pieces.

 

Now that Fraser was enjoying this, Ray's own body went wild.  He thrust in and out of his partner's anus, being careful to rake over that sensitized button on each and every entry.  He plowed that snug passage, forcing it to accept his bulk, virtually branding his name and ownership on every molecule of slick flesh.

 

In his frenzy to get deeper, to claim more of Benny as his, he pushed Fraser's shoulders down to the floor.  Hooking his hands under Fraser's hip, he lifted Benny's ass up even higher, giving himself a better entry angle.  Then he thrust in as deep as he could, so deep he swore he'd poke out of Benny's mouth. 

 

It was fully the most exquisite sensation Ray had explored to date.  Fraser was with him all the way, thrusting that beautiful butt up at him to meet every plunge in.

 

Ray snaked his right hand around under Benny to reclaim that gorgeous cock.  Pumping in sync with his penetrations, Ray drove them both as high as they could go.

 

When it became too much and Ray couldn't hold onto the ecstasy for one second longer, he gave a final deep thrust, sank forward until his mouth latched onto Benny's juicy shoulder, then gave himself up to the burning delight.  It liquefied his insides as he spurted gallon upon gallon of semen into Fraser's accepting ass.

 

Benny went off like a sky rocket right after him, squirting his sticky gift into Ray's eager hand.  The wild submission seemed to take all that Fraser had to offer.  There was no resistance in him at all as Benny cried out in that ultimate surrender, no trace of the stiff, puritanical Mountie in the limp figure that collapsed completely under Ray upon coming.

 

They lay there, a panting, sticky mess for the longest time.

 

The pleasure was vibrating through him so powerfully that centuries seemed to pass before Ray even realized that he was lying on his side on a freezing linoleum floor with his flaccid cock dripping come as it slipped from inside his very male partner's asshole.

 

Benny gasped at the parting, but it seemed more an expression of regret than pain.

 

As he lay there slowly coming back to himself, Ray had no clue as to what he was going to say – what he could say in such a situation.

 

"Are you all right?" Ray managed at last when Fraser's gaze came to rest almost timidly on his face.

 

The pleased glow of aftermath was fading fast from Benny's contented features, replaced by a darker, more familiar shadow.  Seeming far too tense for someone who'd just fucked their brains out, Fraser gave a stiff nod.

 

"What you said before..." Fraser began and faltered.

 

Ray was relieved by the inarticulate question.  If the Mountie had won, despite the passion they'd shared, Fraser would have been demanding that Ray account for his actions – and rightly so, Ray realized.

 

But the Mountie wasn't contesting him at the moment.  He was dealing with his beloved Benny, who was obviously confused as hell by Ray’s apparent about face.

 

"You mean the L word?" Ray offered, gently stroking that sweaty pelt off Fraser's forehead.  He nearly winced at the caution that entered Benny's eyes.  It almost seemed as if Fraser were afraid of the effect his touch would have upon him, like Ray's touch could hurt.

 

Realizing that it could, Ray did his best to keep his caresses tender, reassuring.  He didn't want to do anything to spook or upset Benny.  He already had a lot of senseless hurting to make up for.

 

"Yes.  Did you mean...what you said?"

 

"About being wrong?  About being too scared to love you?" Ray checked, trying to remember exactly what he'd said to Fraser at the height of passion.

 

He heard Benny swallow hard at the L word.  Then Fraser gave another watchful nod.

 

"Yeah, I meant it.   I especially meant the love part.  Feeling these things for you...it scares the hell out of me, Benny," he admitted, needing to get the worst off his chest up front.

 

Bewildered, Ray watched the hope die in Fraser's gaze as those incredibly thick lashed lids swept down to veil the windows to Benny's soul.  "Then nothing has changed."

 

"Everything's changed," Ray corrected, nabbing Fraser's chin and forcing his head up. 

 

Those alarmed eyes flew open.  Benny looked like he was waiting to have his heart shattered in pieces.

 

Ray didn't know what to say, how to explain, how to say he was sorry in a manner that would be believed.  Words weren't his thing.  Fraser knew words.  All he knew was action.

 

Desperate, Ray employed the only action he thought had half a chance of convincing Benny of his sincerity.  He leaned forward and covered that berry red mouth with his own.

 

Fraser's shocked stiffness collapsed like a house of cards.  Ray kissed those lips until they softened and opened to him; he kissed Benny until Fraser had counted every one of Ray’s fillings with his eager tongue tip, until they'd swapped enough spit to fill a swimming pool, until Ray knew every nuance and flavor of that sweet mouth by heart, until they needed air so bad that the room was literally spinning around them. 

 

It was only then that they broke apart, and it was his stunned partner who did the pulling back, for Ray was determined to stay in that kiss until Fraser knew he was for real, even if he blacked out from oxygen deprivation first.

 

"No more ground rules," Ray whispered, his palms framing that handsome, shocked face.  "You want something from me, you take it."

 

Fraser's tongue played along his dry lips.  After a moment, Benny lowly inquired, his gaze dropping meaningfully to their naked bodies, "Even..."

 

Ray nodded, shivering because there was no going back, not ever, "Even that."  Those big Mountie eyes asking the question Fraser apparently couldn't bring himself to voice, Ray softly explained, "I...I love you, Benny.  It's not something I ever would have chosen for myself, but I'm not gonna try to deny it anymore.  I only have one thing to ask of you."

 

Fraser's palm settled along Ray's left cheek.  An incredulous, achingly soft light was shining in those bottomless blue eyes as Fraser assured, "If it's in my power to give it to you, Ray, you needn't bother to ask."

 

Ray swallowed hard.  No one had ever looked at him with such love before.  He felt stupid voicing this request while basking in that glow, but his insecurities wouldn't allow him to just go with the flow.  If he'd been capable of that, he never would have put them through these last five weeks.  "When the time comes for you to be movin' on, let me do the leavin’, okay?"

 

"Ray, that will never happen.  I-"

 

"Never's a long time, Benny."

 

"I love you, Ray," Fraser stated in that soft, fierce way of his.

 

"And I love you," Ray affirmed.  "So ,will you give me your word on that?"

 

Benny appeared troubled for a long moment.  Finally, he nodded and said, "Since you are asking me to guarantee my behavior, in circumstances that are never going to be realized, I give you my word.  If any leaving is ever done between us, it is you who shall do the leaving.  You have my solemn oath on that, Ray."

 

Ray had had Ange's solemn oath on the day they'd married, and she'd still walked on him.  Nothing in his past gave him any hope that things would be any different with Benton Fraser and yet...a weight seemed to lift from his heart at Benny's promise. 

 

Fraser's gaze was so full of compassion and love as it rested on him that even the suspicious, cynical part of himself that kept him alive was telling Ray to take a chance here.

 

"Thank you, Benny," Ray whispered, swallowing around the lump in his throat.

 

"No, thank you, Ray," Fraser gently corrected, his big, capable hand moving to stroke Ray’s back in wide, reassuring circles.  "Would you care to move to the comfort of the bed?"

 

Tickled by the absurd formality, Ray nodded, even as he tensed a little inside.  "Sure, you wanna even the score in comfort?"

 

Those blue eyes seemed to read to his very soul.  Benny gave a slow, thoughtful, negative shake of his head.  "Thank you most kindly for the offer, Ray, but I was really hoping just to hold you for a while."

 

Benny wasn't lying.  Ray could see that that was really all his partner had intended.  Totally bewildered, Ray forced himself to ask, "Don't you want..?"

 

"Very much, but not tonight or even tomorrow night.  What we shared tonight was...delightful, Ray.  Can we not continue along that vein for a time?"

 

"I don't understand," Ray softly confessed, reading a legitimate reluctance in Fraser's gaze that was totally at odds with the hunger of his touch.

 

"I want you to be comfortable with me and with our love, Ray.  I will make no demands upon you that you are unable to meet," Fraser promised in the same tone with which he'd vowed to allow Ray to leave first.

 

"You didn't demand, I offered," Ray forced his dry mouth to remind.

 

He didn't think Fraser's gaze could get any more tender, but it surprised him and gentled even more.  "You offered to reciprocate, out of your inherent sense of fair play, not out of any true desire for that specific form of contact."

 

Ray stared deep into those calm, loving eyes.  He'd never trusted a lover enough to make the kind of statement he was about to make, for real honesty in a relationship was rarer than winning lottery tickets.  But something in Fraser's absolute integrity made Ray need to tell the truth here.

 

"I can't promise that I'll ever have any true desire for that form of contact, Benny," he all but warned.

 

To his utter mystification, Fraser didn't appear angry or even upset.  His lunatic Mountie just gave him a blindingly sweet smile and said, "So be it."

 

"Did you understand what I just said, Benny?"

 

"Yes, Ray."

 

"And that doesn't bother you?"  At Fraser's negative shake of his head, Ray had to demand, "How can that not bother you?"

 

"Less than two months ago, you didn't believe you could love me at all in a physical or romantic manner, Ray.  Tonight you freely told me that you love me.  It is more than I thought you could ever give me and I am content with it.  No, I am more than content.  I am overjoyed."

 

"You think I'll change my mind in time," Ray determined, not sure if he liked that kind of complacency.

 

But Fraser immediately denied, "No, Ray, you have very deep, ingrained prejudices against that particular action.  There is every possibility that you may never wish to share that with me."

 

Ray searched that open face for the sadness or resentment any man who'd just been screwed through the floorboards should have felt at finding out that the possibility of changing places might never be a viable option.  But it wasn't there.  All there was in Fraser's face was that warm glow that just about melted Ray's insides.

 

"How can that not upset you, Benny?" Ray questioned at last.

 

"Tell me, Ray, does it bother you that I don't consume alcoholic beverages?"

 

Ray started at the complete non-sequitur, but he knew enough of his partner's thought processes to answer it.  "Of course not."

 

"So, you do not feel it necessary for me to change my preference and learn to like alcohol simply because you like an occasional glass of wine?"

 

"Of course not.  I don't care if you drink wine or not.  I sorta like that you don't drink," Ray confessed.

 

"Your not liking that particular form of contact is like my not liking alcohol, Ray.  It's a part of you.  I accept it as such.  In time, if you should find your preferences changing, I will accept that as well, the same way I’d expect you to accept my taking a glass of wine, should that happen.  Love isn't about changing someone, Ray."

 

His throat closing up almost too tight for him to breathe, let alone swallow, Ray looked away, his eyes stinging.  When he thought he could talk without losing it completely, he turned back to face his partner.  Framing that handsome, glowing face, Ray asked in a fierce whisper, “You know that I love you; don’tchya?  I didn’t just say that before to get over or make you feel better.  You have to know that.”

 

“I have always known that you love me, Ray,” Fraser softly admitted, one hand continuing to play over Ray’s back while the other stroked across the stubble on his scalp. 

 

“You have?”

 

Fraser gave cautious nod.

 

“How?” 

 

“By the way you’ve always taken care of me.”

 

“Huh?”  Ray didn’t have a clue as to what Benny meant by that, but it didn’t sound like a bad thing.

 

“You’ve always looked out for me, humored me more than even friendship would explain.”

 

“That’s because you’re family, Benny,” Ray tried to explain, very aware that his orphaned partner would never get it.  From what Fraser had told him of his folks, they weren’t exactly the most supportive or nurturing kind of people.

 

“No, Ray, it’s more than that.”

 

“If you say so,” Ray smiled, unwilling to argue over such silly stuff.

 

“It’s true.  Even after we began this new phase of our relationship, you were...too good to me.”

 

“How do you figure that?  From where I stand, we both seemed pretty miserable.”

 

“Ray, a man who’d been blackmailed into our agreement should have been highly resentful.  You should have made me feel...” Fraser glanced away for a moment, then met his gaze squarely once again and continued, “You should have made me hate to be with you.  But you always welcomed me and treated me with respect.”

 

Ray gulped.  “That’s because you’re my best friend.  Hurting you woulda been like kicking a puppy.  All you wanted to do was to make me feel good.  Besides, I never had it so good as with you, Benny.”

 

“You didn’t?”

 

Ray was flattered by how completely shocked Fraser appeared.  “No, I didn’t.”  Not wanting to pursue that particular vein of conversation, Ray rallied his complaints, “So, do you think we could postpone the rest of this chat until we’ve gotten off this cold floor?  I don’t know about you, but my goose flesh has goose flesh.”

 

“Sorry, Ray.  I didn’t realize you were cold.”

 

“You telling’ me you’re not?  That you don’t have goose pimples?” Ray demanded, not understanding how anyone human wouldn’t be freezing their ass off on this frigid floor.

 

“No, Ray, I’m not cold.  And I certainly don’t have goose pimples,” Fraser protested in that prim way of his that got up Ray’s nose every time.

 

“No?”  Grinning, Ray leaned forward and licked behind Fraser’s ear.  Withdrawing, he watched with an utter lack of surprise as his partner shivered, Benny’s fair skin erupting into a zillion little bumps.

 

“Well, perhaps you are right.  We should adjoin to the bed.”

 

Laughing as he hardly ever laughed with any of his lovers, Ray climbed to his feet.

 

Hand in hand, they walked boldly into this new phase of their lives.

 

 

 

The End

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
